I know I know I know

Do you know how many times I've thought about the fact that I haven't written anything in forever!?! But sometimes you have it and others you don't. I just haven't had it lately. Frankly, I've been doing good to just get through each day and feel ok about it. Ever been there? When there is nothing specific to look forward to, you aren't feeling real good, and your 2 year old is having a melt down simply because you dared to walk the other way, the last thing I feel like doing is getting on the computer (which Noah hates anyway) and typing. I've even had a depressingly funny moment such as going through really old clothes and trying them on when I thought "this! This would be something to blog about" but never did. Sorry, your loss (not really).
But hopefully as the rain came down today and washed everything away, I can begin anew. I can throw something out there that might actually spark a thought, cause a chuckle, or get a head nod from someone.

So here it is......why is the sky blue? No, just kidding. Why do I find that it is easier to pray for everyone around me and truly believe that God will answer my prayer, but I don't feel near as confident when it comes to prayers about my own life. Example: I can confidently pray (with faith bigger than a mustard seed) that so and so's cancer will suddenly go away. However, when it comes to a specific request I have of God to work in MY life, my faith withers.

I'll tell you what it is. I know too much. I let all the facts and figures get in the way. It's like I have to prep myself for not getting what I actually want. The probability of "x" and "y" happening is so slim that I better just plan for my prayer not to be answered how I'd like. Isn't that depressing? I don't always do this, but I'm in a class about expectant prayer and I realized this is a barrier for me. I think this is less about the fear of disappointment and more about what I really believe about God. It's actually a scary lesson. Rob Bell in one of his Nooma videos asks the question, "Do you truly believe, with everything in you, that God is entirely good and nothing else?" Have you asked yourself that question lately? If not, you should and share with me your answers and why you answer that way. I have no earthly reason to believe anything other than God is absolutely only good. But my prayer life might suggest something different.

Anyway, just something I've been thinking about and wrestling with. I don't want to be tossed about like the waves or the wind. I want to be secure in knowing that my Father wants the absolute best for me and desires me to ask Him REGARDLESS OF THE PROBABILITY.

10 random things

I was challenged by a fellow friend and blogger to disclose to all 10 random things about myself. Here it goes:

1) I hate watching people come off of an airplane. It's terribly embarrassing to see their looks of hope that someone they know might be there. Ugh, misery.

2) I always like to think of creative ads for products. Somehow I feel like I'm thinking up something brilliant that has never been thought of before. Maybe I am......

3) I almost fell out of the Goodyear blimp once. I really did (or a combination of remembering it with having been told the story a million times). But someone grabbed my arm and fortunately, I'm sitting here 20 some years later writing electrifying stuff on this blog for your enjoyment.

4) I am nosy. Brian would laugh as if this is some big secret. But to be honest, I don't think of myself as nosy. But after repeated "examples" that Brian recently cited to my mother, I guess I am. Bummer. I don't like nosy people.

5) I wake up everyday and think of some place I'd like to go and truly (with everything in me) make a plan for how I'm going to get there. To me, up and flying to London in 2 weeks is completely realistic and I actually thank God that he has given me this attitude. More than that, I thank him that he's given me a husband who is the exact same way for the most part. Traveling to us is "no big deal" in many ways and if we have the money/miles, we see no reason not to. Oh, I'm not going to London---just an example.

6) I fear real garlic. I love garlic salt---but if I cook with actual garlic cloves it grosses me out and I don't end up eating what I've cooked.

7) I've got the strongest sense of smell of anyone you know. This is much to Brian's detriment. I cannot simply ignore any kind of odor for the cause of being romantic. I know, it sucks.

8) I love the color orange with a deep passion. It is a rich fun color that is all around happy. I plan to paint my future daughter's room orange. No, I'm not pregnant.

9) I feel most at home and most content on the beach. Somewhere near an ocean, where I can smell the sand and salt. It is a smell that stems back to my earliest years and I feel so complete when I'm in the presence of one of God's greatest creations ever.

10) Just about every day I contradict myself on whether I'm ready to have another baby again. As of today, the half of me that isn't ready is winning out.

Spicer News

I apologize right up front for not posting anything recently. There has been a lot going on and being on the computer is not one of them. But I definitely wanted to take a minute to decompress and write some highlights....

1) We are officially moved into the city of Keller. We love our house more and more everyday. God has outdone himself on this one. We feel extremely blessed while trying not to complain about the unpacking.

2) Noah started his new daycare (still at a Children's Courtyard). The first few days were enough to make me quit working all together because he was MISERABLE. He actually threw up twice because he was crying so hard and Brian had to go pick him up. But his heavenly Father took real good care of him after that and I'm happy to report that he LOVES his class and despite crying everytime I drop him off, his teacher says he is the best little boy all day long. I'll also add in that his teacher says he's by far the smartest kid in the class!! As if I'm surprised.........

3) To my knowledge, the first in my blood line, there has been a divorce. I ponder whether I should even be writing about it but it's such a major part of my life right now it would be ridiculous not to. I feel sad and empty and about a million other things which I know don't even compare to the people who actually got the divorce. But it's a fact and it has happened. I love those involved and pray that the love will never cease.....ever. I hate to admit it but this is one of those times I wish Jesus would have come back last week and just flew us all to heaven so that we would never think of it again. But he didn't, so we all wake up and give each day to the Lord and ask Him to please take control of it....because we definitely have no ability to stay in control by ourselves.

4) Noah is really into "fends" right now (friends). He wakes up asking for them and about them. Noah's fends range from an orange Carebear, a tiny orange pony, Baby Tad, to Carter Woodward, "Ammer" Woodward, Jake Koeninger, Aunt Keemy, Taylor, and many others. It's so amazing to see him realize what a wonderful thing friends are and how they can add SO much to your day! He actually cried---full blown---tonight because he asked for Carter and I told him that Carter was at home (and he thought I meant our home). He got all excited and then I had to tell him that he was at Carter's home. You would have thought I just stuck a needle in him. He was so hurt! It made me sad but also happy that he cares for sweet Carter so deeply. I guess I shouldn't be surprised because I care so deeply about my friends too. Emily Spivey has been and will be my best friend for a long time to come. I don't know where I'd be without her and if only I could wake up every day with her waiting in my playroom like Baby Tad. :)

5) Brian. What would the Spicer home be like without Brian? Not only is he the source of energy in our home for Noah and I, but he is just the most hard working person I know. He has gotten this house in the most amazing condition and can be seen putting up a bookshelf and hanging pictures at 10 o'clock at night. I love him so much and the house feels quite empty without him (he was gone all last week). I'm proud to have such a wonderful friend and companion by my side all the time. Noah has reached the peak (as I know it) of Daddiness. Daddy is all he wants......all the time. While it can be draining at times I really think Brian is loving it. Just when I think Brian is going to tell Noah to stop whining and go to mama, he picks him right up and starts to play. Amazing!

6) We have no TV. We made the wise decision to delay the cable set up until we were all done setting up the house. We thought it would help us focus on unpacking. So today, August 21, is our 22nd day with no TV. How do I feel? If I thought they were actually open at 10pm tonight, I'd probably call them. No, it's been ok. The days don't bother me at all. But the nights---that's when I really feel like vegging in front of Food Network or some mindless show. I've realized that it is not a particular show that I'm longing for....it's what TV gives to you. It gives you a companion. It gives you normalcy, it gives you distraction. This home is still new to me and at night, I find myself longing for the normal content feeling I used to feel every night. I'm not sure what it is, but it's not here--yet. I highly doubt it's actually made us work harder on getting the house done. We have read more, talked more, and gone to bed earlier. Not bad huh? I wish I could say to you that we feel so amazing after 2 weeks of no TV that we are actually considering not ever going back. Ahhhhhhh aint gonna happen. It's just a matter of time before Rachael Ray is invading my home again with her cute but annoying self, and ESPN is on when we lie down, and when we get up. :)

7) Neighbors. Start praying for our new neighbors. I want to be a bold but loving witness for Christ and things have already come to our attention that make me want to back into my house and never talk to anyone. Just think of a few worst case scenarios as neighbors and I'm sure one of you will have guessed our situation. But I know God has a plan for everyone and I do want to be a part of His plan. So every day I'm trying to get out of the way and let God do what he has purposed me to do.....even if it's terribly uncomfortable.

Okay, gotta go to bed. Thanks to any of you lone rangers out there who continue to look at my page from time to time. One of these days I'll giddyup on the consistency. Nite nite.

Nostalgia

So I had the very unlikely occurance of meeting up with TWO friends from my past this week/weekend. Each friend is from a totally different part of my life and one of which I haven't seen for 9 years. One knew me since the 6th grade in CA, the other I met in 10th grade when my family up and moved to New Mexico (grrrr, hiss hiss). The only real thing they share in common is that neither friend knew me when my faith was really real.

The CA friend has been my faithful friend for a long time. She's seen the good and bad in me. I tried to explain the drastic change I went through about 8 years ago to her, and I can remember seeing the look on her face and she clearly didn't understand. I was now a real Christian. She could tell my life was different---that I didn't drink anymore and party, but she didn't really understand/believe the whole Jesus thing. To this day she would say she doesn't know if there is really a heaven or hell. Wow. This is hard for me to understand and somewhere I doubt that I've shared with her all that I could.

My other friend, who now lives in Houston, she and I share way too many memories in the "party" category. She has since gotten married and has 2 beautiful children. She tells me that she's a good girl now and goes to a Mormon church. With only 30 minutes to chit chat in the mall today (after not seeing each other for 9 years), I know she has no idea what my relationship with Jesus is all about and how he truly did change my life (and continues to). I feel as if it was too easy to act like we are two peas in a pod.... wild and now tamed. But it's so much more than that isn't it?

I remember praying not to long ago that God would reunite me with some of my old friends so that I could really share with them about how Jesus has changed my life. I have a friend who is awesome about reconnecting with even her friends from junior high and that made me so envious of her. I realized what an opportunity it was. So here I am...smack dab in the middle of the "opportunity" and somehow I feel like I failed. Somehow it's too easy to just relate on the mom level and not dig in to other important stuff. I know there is a time and a place for certain things, but maybe something should have been said that wasn't.

I'm totally thrilled to be back in touch with my friend and truly grateful that her life has had wonderful outcomes. We both could have been headed to doom many a time. She actually informed me of a few of our close friends back from high school that indeed did that---drugged out, unhealthy, unmarried with kids, partying like it was 1999, etc. It is completely by the grace of God that these words do not define me. And it is by the grace of God they don't define you either. No good will of mine can make me into the person I want to be. Not without God. He's the one who intended me to be someone that glorifies Him. For how long did I fail at doing that? And still do, mind you.

I need help and encouragement when it comes to sharing Jesus with people. I can do it overseas any day---but doing it here, in my neighborhood with everyday people just like me, tends to be a little more difficult. Can I opt out by saying it isn't my gift? Naaa, not really. But I'm admitting that it is a struggle and I never want to appear like I have it all together and am doing everything right. Man, my husband could testify that would be a crock of bull. :) Okay, time to go to bed. I hope you can relate on some level with this and feel free to share your thoughts.

Extra! Extra!

Okay, so I'm sorry that I haven't updated this sooner. Many of you are still intently praying for us every night that we will find a house. Well, you can cease the praying (atleast for that) because we found a home. We move in 2 weeks and it is in Keller. It's a great home and has enormous potential. I hate to say it but I have NO VISION. Nope, just not me. I am pretty much the opposite of a visionary. I live in the here and now. I say this to explain that my excitement level is at a stand still right now. There are too many things that still need to happen in order for me to breathe a sigh of relief.
Brian, on the other hand (bless his heart) sees the house in all its splendor immediately. He knows exactly how the walls, floors and colors are going to look. And no joke, he'll have them looking that way in just under a week. He's crazy. He will go absolutely bonkers and will not be content until pretty much everything is as he pictured it. So he's all giddy right now, staring at paint swatches, etc while I'm flipping through a magazine in my chair. :) I have to admit I feel a little guilty because I know we are super blessed and God has truly worked everything out (as usual) so I should be demonstrating a slightly better attitude. Forgive me, I'm a sinner.

Okay, so a second update is that the private situation going on in my family has just gone haywire and is at its lowest point. We really need your prayers like never before. Pray for safety, patience, health, and peace. Guys, sin truly has no boundries as far as the damage it can do. I'm utterly amazed at the aweful effects it is having on my loved ones right now.....with no end in sight. Father, Father, DRAW NEAR TO US. I'm convinced that is the only way to get through this. I'd love more than anything to share names so you can pray more specifically but for now that is off limits. Just know, there is a family out there (parents and kids)that need a lot of healing and any prayers you can offer will be treasured.

Last little story to end on a positive note. If you know Noah very well, you know he is obsessed with music. Completely and utterly obsessed----mostly with the guitar or "tar" as he calls it. You can find him pretty much at any moment strumming his air guitar. We will be driving somewhere in the car and he'll say, "Mama." I'll say "Ya?" "Mama....tar"= he wants me to play my air guitar. "Daddy." Brian will say "Ya?" "Daddy, boom boom" = he wants Brian to play the pretend drums on the steering wheel". The strumming has recently come to mean that Noah is happy. He used to clap when he was happy. Now, he strums.....all the time. So anyway, a couple days ago he was strumming in the family room on the floor. He picked up a little decorative rock, and kept trying to put it in his ear while continuing to strum his tar. Brian and I were like "what is he doing?" After several attempts he finally got it to stay and just bobbed his head while continuing to strum. He said "Nino". That pretty much said it all. We figured out that he was trying to be like our worship minister, Nino Elliott, with the microphone in his ear and the mouth piece that extends down from there. We cracked up. He truly never ceases to amaze us.

Uncertainty

So lately I've been feeling a dull numbing feeling --that comes and goes. Tonight as I was out walking, I finally pinpointed what it was. Uncertainty. There are times in my life (and I'm sure you all feel this way) where everything makes sense to you. You are going about life exactly how you want to, you feel sure about mainly everything, and you feel secure in where you are and where you are going.
To complement that feeling, there are times when things are quite the opposite. Now is one of those times. And it's so odd because it kind of just happens out of nowhere, don't you think? I mean, sure, it can be caused by some particular event. But many times we just find ourselves in the middle of this odd void, wondering how we got there. Here are a few areas in which I have uncertainty:
--Where to live (our house sold in 1 day and we have yet to find a home. We put an offer down but it looks like they are rejecting it).
--My professional future (no elaboration necessary)
--Events going on in my family that are heavy on my heart and seem far from resolution
--The future of our church in relation to our lead pastor/teacher search
--My own personal faith development

By the way, I sit here writing this while listening to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack. If you haven't heard it---you need to. It only proves my theory further that life without music would be virtually void of emotion. Just try to watch a common street scene (or better yet, an airport lobby) with no music. Then put on your headphones and suddenly everyone becomes a little softer, and you find emotion in little things where you saw nothing before.
Anyway, my point in mentioning this music was that it helps me write. It helps me get out all those weird feelings you have and actually put them into words. Not to mention it makes me think even more critically (which I don't need) and analyze everything under the sun. Ugh, I digress. :)

Okay, back to the oh so pleasant feeling of uncertainty. There is hope, however in this. Our creative Father above knew that if we could find certainty on our own accord we would not need Him or care to examine Him further. So while I feel this yucky feeling right now, I also feel an abundant peace about knowing that He is holding me close and knows what is around the corner, even when I don't. I truly don't know where my head would be if I didn't have this assurance.

Did Jesus know that I would be this much of a mess? Did he know that I would be selfish and discontent? Did he know I would be judgemental and ashamed all at the same time? Did he know that we could all be so fickle at times with our faith? Yes, he did. But he still chose to sacrifice everything for us so that we could have the assurance IN HIM when there was nothing else. I suppose it's kind of like being a parent. Of course you know your child is going to screw up on down the road somewhere. But that's not what you are focused on today! You are focused on loving them every bit you can and shaping and molding them into the person God wants them to be. But unlike God, we parents fail---over and over again. What an awesome thing to know that we have a Father that NEVER FAILS. He never makes a mistake. He never loses his temper, he never doubts us, we never surprise him, he never gives us bad advice...ever. The world has nothing to offer that can even come close to that. So why is it so easy to lose sight of that?

Well, I ask again for your prayers. For all the above mentioned but mostly that Brian and I both will come to know our Father God in a more intimate way than ever before through this uncertainty. I know there will be a time, probably soon, where I will be back in the land of security. But I don't want that to change how I depend on God. He's a friend unlike any other.

The party was a success!!

Well, Brian's 30th surprise party turned out perfect and I think everyone had a lot of fun. I had it at a Mexican restaurant called Guadalupes. We would NEVER normally go to this place. No particular reason, it just isn't in our circle of restaurants. So there is no way I would ever be able to convince him why would be going there on his birthday of all days. So I chickened out and blindfolded him. But our first stop was Su Vino---a local winery. I figured I'd throw him off the trail by taking him somewhere first for a drink. Brian has a strong interest in wine and had never been to this place. Lo and behold, guess who is there when we walk in?? Some of the party attendees, Garry and Teal Kyle. My body froze for a minute. But then I realized that this was no big deal and shouldn't reveal anything to Brian. It was just a crazy coincidence, right??? Anyway, we had a lovely time for about 45 minutes at this winery tasting and chatting. Garry and Teal left to "go catch a movie". On goes the blindfold again, and we head off to Guadalupes. I lead Brian into the restaurant and this waitress greets us immediately and shouts, "Welcome to Guadalupes!!!". I cringe. I know at this point, Brian is thinking, "what in the world??" So off goes the blindfold and everyone screams "SURPRISE!"
Despite Brian knowing something was going on, I really think he was surprised as to the detail I went to and the wide variety of people who were there. We all had a great time and I was so happy to spoil my honey on his 30th. Fortunately, I've got atleast another 10 years till I have to throw another one of these, right??????

The happy couple.........getting older. :)  

The boys.......Ben, Tim, Jeff, Ray, and Paul. 

Teal, Garry, Jenny and Cindy