Not always peachy

Today comes to a close after no husband, a kid with pink eye, a somewhat fussy baby, rain outside, and no friends around due to a contagious boy and Spring Break. I pause and wonder if I should continue typing since Macy is screaming her bloody neck off. Hmmmm....will go check on her. Ok, I think I got her down. She has the classic Spicer baby genes with regard to screaming herself to sleep at night. Occasionally she'll go down easy, not enough to fool us into thinking she is "different" from her brothers. :/

The last couple weeks, I've had the reoccurring thought that having 3 kids is hard. This may seem like a silly and somewhat obvious statement. However, I have this innate quality that always wants to seem relaxed and in control. I don't get into drama and I always think there is something worse that could be my reality so I shouldn't believe that this moment is hard, terrible, etc. I suppose I have a problem with feeling like it is ok to complain in a serious nature. And then I remember some words that were either from Biggest Loser or my therapist (ha ha ha) that feelings are just feelings; they are not right or wrong. So I can feel like life is hard right now and I don't need to judge it against someone else's life or defend it. I can feel what I feel, and accept that. I suppose it boils down to pride why I hate appearing frazzled. I can feel frazzled, I just don't want to show that. :) make sense?

Anyway, today was a day where I longed for help. I wanted a sister's house to run to, a mom's reassuring smile, an aunt's arms to hold my baby, a friend to make me laugh....you get the idea. Was my day TERRIBLE? No. I've had many worse days actually. But it wasn't fun. It was lonely, and I felt a little stuck. I felt bad for my boys. I am sure they didn't think much of it which is good, but I was ready for one of them to say at any moment, "this day is boring and sad, Mom". I even tried to have a moment where we talked about Japan and what happened there, being thankful, drawing pictures, praying, etc.....I'm glad we did it, but it didn't help how I felt. We cleaned out the playroom and packaged up 3 trash bags of toys and books to give away. Again, I'm glad we did it, it made me feel like I made something of this day, but it still didn't redeem the day.

Now I'm talking to my dad on the phone. Talked to my mother in law earlier. Texted with Brian. Once again, trying to feel not so lonely. :) Talking to my mom always makes me feel better. And it's not because she has advice or even reassures me. It's just hearing her pretty voice and feeling a lighter side to the concern that I feel. Tonight she and my dad were cracking me up because they shed some light on why I have kind of a no nonsense approach to dealing with sick/hurt kids. I guess my oldest sister was a drama queen and constantly was "hurt" so they were pretty desensitized by the time I rolled around. I told them I don't remember hardly ever receiving much pity from them and now I know why. That mirrors the fact that Macy screaming her neck off doesn't get to me NEAR as much as it did with Noah. God gave me 3 screamers---I can't do much about it. Just wait for it to pass I guess.....:)

Alright, not sure where this post is going. Simply wanting to type about today. 3 kids has it's challenges for sure. I'm not cut out to be a single parent. I wish Bri didn't travel, I wish we lived closer to family, I wish....................... BUT I have an amazing life with a gorgeous family, a wonderful home and incredible friends that God has blessed me with. In the wake of all that has happened in Japan, I cannot dwell on any momentary inconvenience. I simply cannot imagine what life is like for thousands of precious Japanese people right now. Devastating doesn't scratch the surface. So as my mom and I said to eachother as we got off the phone "tomorrow will be better".