Peace

"And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ....Then the God of peace will be with you. " Philippians 4:8,9

I'm in the middle of a Bible study at church called Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. This study has zeroed in on my #1 struggle....my thoughts. They are my constant companion and mostly consist of judgements, labels, insecurities and lies. And it seems that since I began this study, Satan has been putting extra muscle behind his attacks on my mind. I think he realizes that if God can cause a breakthrough in this area, and restore my thoughts to love, truth, and peace, then he has lost his most valuable tool in my destruction. So before I go on, please if you think of it, pray for me in this struggle. I cannot be too proud or naive to think that asking for prayer in this area wouldn't greatly improve my chances at victory.

One thing I've found myself doing a lot lately is engaging in a frantic list of things I need. I need yoga! I need a massage! I need someone to watch Wesley a few hours a week. I need more dates with Brian. I need more time by myself. Now none of these things are wrong or invalid. In fact, at some level, I really do want them all. But the whole and sum reason behind all of them is to attain a peace that I so strongly desire. It's like I feel my shoulders crunched up to my ears and I'm trying to find anything that will cause me to feel relaxed, whole, and at peace. Last night, in the middle of a meltdown, I started upon this list again...trying to think which items I could attain the fastest and my plan for getting them. And I felt God tell me: I am your peace. Nothing will give you the feeling that you are looking for but Me.

Skip with me ahead to this morning as I settled in to my Bible study. One of the first verses I was told to look up was Philippians 4:8. And I instantly knew God was so right, and I was so wrong. He is always looking out for me and trying to show me what is best for me. Not only does he know how badly I need to rearrange my thought closet, but he even tells me in the end it will give me peace! Peace, peace, how badly I desire you! After I heard God talk to me last night, I even had this vision of me putting up scriptures all over the house to make myself see, remember, and think about His Word. I mean, what else out there is pure, lovely, true, and excellent? Nothing with those characteristics bombards me daily. Nothing. In fact, quite the opposite. So today I begin the proactive task of surrounding myself with His truths and promises so that the God of peace will be with me.

God is not a liar. He wouldn't tell me that fixing my thoughts on truth and love will give me peace if it won't. So I'm believing Him, and taking captive the icky thoughts in my mind. I'll hopefully have stories of victory to share with you as time moves on. :)

In case you wondered.......

my bath was kind of comical. How did yours turn out? After 15 minutes of adjusting my body so that I could be down in the warm water but high enough so that I didn't submerge my magazine, I threw my half soaked pages (no lie) out of the bath and just sat there (I mean, whose idea was it to read a magazine in the tub anyway???). The window was open and all I could hear were the night crickets. Now that was relaxing. I had this little satchel of lavender and rosemary that had been sitting in the tub and it wasn't doing anything. I didn't smell it, it didn't make the water smell, I was kind of perturbed. So in the final seconds of sitting there, I picked it up and crushed it over and over in my hands, rolling it as tightly as I could. Suddenly, as if just awoken, all the smells overpowered me. It was amazing! I just kept sniffing the little bundle as if an addict and letting the herbal properties wash over me. They really do work in case you wondered. :) The hot water alone had made my head a little dizzy---the good kind---and now I felt more relaxed.

After the bath I plopped down in my bed--the very thing I said I don't like to do---and read my magazine while Brian was downstairs absorbed by the Bears game. I could hardly keep my eyes open but I trudged through cuz there were some really interesting articles. All in all, a good exercise in relaxation and that's my tale. Did anyone else out there attempt the bogus idea of reading in the bathtub???

Been there?

We just finished dinner as a family. I mentioned, "I think I'm going to take a bath so I can read a magazine." Noah says, "YOU want to take a BATH?" I said, "I know, I never want to. But I think it might be the only time I can read a magazine quietly." Brian said,"You can read one tonight" insinuating that he will be glued to the Bears game and so obviously I'll have all the time to read a magazine. But I never want to sit there and read a magazine while in the same room with him. I also don't feel like being up in my bedroom when he's downstairs watching TV and the kids are asleep. So, as stated before, I believe the only way I can effectively read a magazine, is to do it while sitting in hot scented water....possibly even sipping on a margarita.....while everyone is awake and doing their own thing without me.

This whole scenario is simply a recurrence of the same desire, different year. I remember so clearly when Noah was about oh, 10 months (all the way up to 20 months) and I would bring a blanket out to our front yard in Flowermound and arrange a bunch of toys on it. I would then set up a chair for myself and then plop Noah down on the blanket. This was all in the name of possibly getting a shred of sun on my skin and you guessed it, reading my magazine. I would no sooner turn over one page and Noah would throw a toy off of the blanket onto the grass and then whine for it. He wasn't big on the tickly feeling of the grass and so crawling on it wouldn't have crossed his mind. So I'd put down my magazine and then stand up to walk over and get the toy. I'd sink back down into the camp chair, open up my magazine and then start over . As you have experienced many times yourself (I'm just going out on a limb here!) the neediness of a child on a blanket is suprisingly constant. Oh sure, I had a couple friends who's babies would lay there comatose for an hour while their mommy could do whatever she pleased. That miracle of a habit never made it to the Spicer household.

Now today, 4.5 years later, it isn't picking up thrown toys. It's answering the constant tidal waves of questions from both of my children. As soon as my answer seems to sink in and the water settles, another even larger/more intense/more pointless/more critical question follows. Today we had a moment of silence at church that lasted, oh I don't know, maybe 2 minutes. I sat there thinking how funny it is that humans (or maybe Americans) have to be instructed to remain silent for it to ever occur. The silence I heard for those 2 minutes was glorious---but completely involuntary if you will. We had to be told to WAIT for the prayer to begin---knowing full well that people (myself included) simply can't stand to be quiet and would never on their own accord decide to sit in silence for 2 minutes. But friends, that is what I CRAVE. That is what makes reading a magazine (Real Simple, if you must know) so fulfilling. The ability for me to sit and look at pictures and read meaningful words and reflect without ever once being interrupted. I save magazines for quiet times when Brian is away, and pedicures. That's pretty much it. And sometimes (read: almost always) I'm too tired when Brian is away to focus and so I put it off. I'm not a pick-up-a-magazine-11 times-before-it-is-finished kind of gal. I like to read them all in one fail swoop or at most, split it in half between two nice reads.

So instead of reading a magazine right this moment, I'm typing about my desire to read a magazine. See how screwed up we are? Ha! It is time folks. I'm heading to get this funny little pillow that will possibly make taking a bath a tiny bit more desirable just so I can sit in my bathroom alone and read my magazine. I know, you are thinking that sounds kind of nice. You are thinking you might just go try this on for size. Well, go, be free, and enjoy your magazine. Let me know how it worked out for you. I'll surely do the same!

What a Day

What a Day I say, what a Day.

His choice of donuts. More toys than you can even picture strewn across several rooms in the house. Teachers at church that love him so much and said Happy Birthday to him. His choice to go wherever he wanted for lunch (Chilis). Playing new games, laughter, friends running everywhere. Cake and more cake!! Golfing with Daddy and Papa. Football in the backyard. Family from near and far calling on the phone to wish him a very happy birthday. Prayers to thank God for this special boy that has grown to be 5 years old. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen that were filled with yummy food. Being parents for the last 5 years to one incredible boy.

We are blessed.

We are blessed.