Depression Part 1

As news of Robin Williams hit the fan this week, conversations about depression started happening in places they rarely or never happened before. And that's good. That may actually be the only "good" thing about depression. To actually discuss it, share about it, listen and sympathize. My two sons who love the movie Hook and Jumanji knew exactly who Robin was but had to be taught what suicide was and we began the discussion of depression.

"Never ever tell your son about this. Never. Do not tell him what has happened to you and how he was involved." These were the words my therapist told me about 9.5 years ago. At the time it caught me off guard because as one who likes to share everything, I hadn't even thought of keeping it a secret. But as the years went on, I understood what she meant. I plan on telling my son about my depression probably when he is a father. But until then, as I did last night, I will say "it's complicated". Last night I told him I had been depressed before. I wanted him to know that this strange new concept to him, that led to a favorite actor's death, was not some bizarre disease that he wouldn't hear about again. I fear it will be something he hears of often. But in order to remove some of the scariness and misunderstanding, I wanted him to know that his mom, who is a believer in Jesus, dealt (and still deals) with this disorder.

Going back to what my therapist told me, she meant what she said because I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and I was a step away from going to the hospital. I became a person I didn't know and felt things and didn't feel things that I would have never believed. She meant what she said because she never wanted a child to associate his self with mom going crazy. It wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't be able to understand that, so the solution was to not inform him. She gave me this advice when I had healed considerably and so I would have laughed if it hadn't been the look on her face. I could tell she was dead serious. And when I think about Robin Williams, and the events of this week, I can understand why something so difficult to comprehend, so difficult to put into words, and something impossible to understand outside of experiencing it yourself, shouldn't be shared with a child who will always be my son, and I will always be his mother.

I have suffered from two different seasons of depression. The first came on like a lightening bolt after giving birth to my first son. The second had no particular instigator but required treatment and a much longer healing period. I'm going to share these experiences on my blog so that a) I know it is written down, and b) it may be used for God's glory some how if even simply to shed light on such a dark subject. After seeing some pretty terrible advice and writing going around this week regarding depression, I'm going to go ahead and state that my experience isn't for anyone to critique, examine, or even question. While I'm extremely pleased to share with people as they struggle (and have done for 9 years!) so they know they aren't alone, and advise as deemed appropriate, I'm not interested in really relating this to anyone's experience that I don't know personally. Depression is such a complicated matter and there is so much illogical thought that it deserves open communication without judgement.

I pray that God will use my rehashing of my darkest days to further heal me...something I question all the time. It would be wrong of me to end this without saying that if you are reading this and think you are depressed, please REACH OUT if you haven't done so yet. Call a friend, counselor, therapist, teacher, elder, pastor, anyone. It will be the best decision you could make during a time when making any decisions at all seems like the hardest thing in the world. Just take that first step.