Highs & Lows

At mealtime, the four of us have "highs and lows" as a part of our dinner conversation. I heard a friend of ours say they did that and thought it was something we should start as well. Sometimes we get laughs out of what is said, other times we really learn what Noah appreciates about his day, etc. Well, I thought it appropriate to make a highs and lows list of my time here in TX. It'll be a little generic because I can't possibly list all the people that I had fun with and don't want to insult anyone I didn't have fun with. :) (wink wink)

I'm actually going to start with the low. You read right, THE low, singular. My former youth minister and friend died today from acute respiratory distress syndrome that was brought on by the swine flu. Yes, someone actually got it and died from it that isn't foreign, or infantile, or elderly. 26 days ago Ron Stowe was a healthy guy. Today he died and went to spend eternity next to Jesus. Simply mind boggling. I'm heartbroken. I haven't spoke to Ron for years. I didn't even know that he and his family live here in TX now. I knew him in Southern Cal when I was real young, and then he was my youth minister in Albuquerque my junior and senior year. It was ironic that I got the news he was sick while we were here. They live in Pflugerville, TX which is near San Antonio, I believe. He and Lauren were going to celebrate their 25th anniversary this August. They have four children ages 11 to 21. I used to babysit their first 2 in highschool. I was a jacked up high school student who thought I was a lot cooler than I was. I did things I shouldn't do and was not really involved at all in the youth group. But I babysat===and that is where Ron and I formed our friendship. He and Lauren were 2 of maybe 5 adults that I could actually talk to and felt like myself around. I thought they were so cool and they made me feel like one of their own. We would stay up late talking after they returned from their dates. It made me feel special. The quality Ron possessed that I loved the most was his humor. That guy was funny. Dang funny. He was so sarcastic and HILARIOUS. He could make me laugh with a mere look. I wanted to be around him all the time---which says a lot for a teenager. I just want to cry really really hard about this but haven't been in the right spot to do so. There are about 540 people just on FB that have been praying for Ron and most of them had a relationship with him. IT's been fun to reconnect and even find people that i know now that I had no idea knew Ron. (did that make sense?)  

Ultimately, I'm confused. And that might not be the best word. I've said before that I don't cope well with anything I can't understand or that doesn't have a logical explanation. I guess today is like the exclamation point on this quality/struggle. Honestly? I really thought God was going to heal him (on earth). I really did. I mean, when over 500 people just on Facebook unite to pray for this man at just the right time, and God's glory can be shown in a uniquely powerful way after he's been on life support for 13 days, WHY WOULDN'T HE???? I just don't get it. I'm at a loss. I feel defeated. And I shouldn't. Because ultimately Ron got his reward tonight. But I feel defeated because I just don't understand why God didn't heal him. Of course lots of wonderful things will be said about him and people will go to the ends of the earth to take care of his precious family. But at this very moment, I really do feel like we needed him more here on earth. That's my raw honesty. And so it is times like this that I feel like an awkward daughter not knowing what to say to my Dad. Knowing ultimately He knows best, but not liking his decision and feeling really really sad. 

Please lift up the Stowe family in prayer, today and every day that you can remember. As we can all see the length of this blog post is getting ridiculous and therefore I'm going to hold off on the highs till tomorrow or Monday. And maybe it is simply appropriate to mourn today and celebrate another day anyway. 

A quick one.......

So I'm blogging from my parents house and I just wanted to say a few things I'm thankful for on this Sunday:

--simple, old toys. My mom has never revamped her toy collection here. She has no new fangled gadgets. She has one thing of legos, a set of toy dishes, a small box of cars, many books--the newest of which is about 11 years old, and a jar of little beanie baby type animals. The kids have so much fun and I'm just amazed that they can stay occupied with these few simple things. Actually, she did buy one of those $5 plastic golf club sets awhile back from Walmart and the boys have had a blast with that.

--Ironically, the hot weather. Texas is hot. Real hot. But funny enough, Noah wants to be outside more than he even does at home, which is a lot. He has been sweaty for probably 15 out of the 24 hours we've been here. I went for a jog/walk and even though I felt like I was running inside of a broiler, there was something so gratifying about it===call me crazy.

--Gardens. My dad has a huge garden. Probably much bigger than he really likes or can handle. But he works his old behind off taking care of it. Noah and Wesley are thoroughly enjoying picking loads of black berries, onions, and zucchini. I can only imagine what the Garden of Eden looked like, but I think God put in us a natural awe and respect for gardens.

--Church. Being at my parents church today made me love, respect and admire things that maybe at one point in my life I felt a little "above". It's hard to put my thoughts into words here but I just appreciate a faithful group of believers so much. My parents go to the oldest Church of Christ in Tyler (really old) but it is big, and thriving and has a Spanish speaking congregation as well. It's definitely traditional, but I don't mean that in a bad way. I loved the people that taught my boys this morning. There is such a respect for the older generation. And even with a congregation of great size (I'm guessing 700 or more) they take so much time to pray for the hurting, sick, and aging....something God tells us to do but I admit I don't nearly enough and neither does my church family back home (atleast publically in Sunday morning worship). They truly treat everyone like family and they are more about the people that make up this family than sticking to schedules, programs or a perception from guests. However, I think when a guest realizes how much love is in this church, they immediately want to be part of a body of Christ that truly loves and takes care of one another.

--My parents. I love them. I'm so happy to be with them. I'm so happy to be on vacation at their house. And I'm so happy for the time my kids get to spend with them. Family is one of the most simple pleasures in life. I'm so grateful for a good one.

It's a Girl!!!

Me, that is. Ha, I'm sure some of you thought that I might have tricked you and been pregnant for months without telling because you would have NO IDEA since you live in TX or CA (most of you readers) and announcing the actual sex here would have been brilliant yet cruel all at the same time...............BREATHE.............but no, I'm not. And I wouldn't couldn't do that anyway. So no worries.

However! The topic begs for some elaboration because it simply is on. my. mind. all. the. time. Not really having a girl, or a baby, or nursing, or burping, or giving medicine to, or pacing around with, or changing one's diaper. But simply the idea of what phase of life am I in, really anyway??? This post could be completely serious or completely comical and I'm not sure which direction to go in.........so I take a little of dis and a little of dat and here I go.

I have a split personality. I do. One minute I can be found pouring over blogs that discuss details of cloth diapers, slings, nursing, and organic everything. The next minute I am fantasizing about the next vacation we'll take and how the boys will do awesome and the world of opportunities that is quickly opening up to our family of 4 everyday as the boys (and us) gain more independence. Schoolwork, organized sports, volunteering here and there, even a possible part time job serving somewhere all sound so appealing. Ideas of road trips long and short, train rides, water parks, mission trips etc etc flash all around the tips of my brain.

Then I see a woman with 4, 5, 6, 7+ children and I'm envious. I want that. I want to be that mom (only if her kids are angels). I want to be so organized that I could totally do that. I want to be so well rounded that I can be nursing and hosting parties, team mom and toilet training, traveling and spoon feeding, all at the same time. But what I want to be and what I am (or think I am) are quickly running in opposite directions. And then there is the whole ethical side of my dilemma. I'm in no way making a universal statement here, but something I (April Beth Spicer) struggle with is if there is a moral obligation to have more kids because I can, I was created to do so, and we've been given all the worldly means to further grow our family in faith and love.

Why can't I be one of the billion people out there that just "knows" when they are done? Why do I have to think about everything sooooooooooo deeply and consider all the possibilities to the ends of the earth? Why? I can honestly say there isn't a friend around me that is in this predicament (unless you've been holding out on me). They either want more children, or are happy to be done (or are done because of medical reasons). They are not a pathetic wishy washy person such as I.

I pray. I do. I pray. I want God to either remove desire for another little baby (which there are days when I think He is doing so) or remove all my fears that exist about having another one.

You might wonder where Brian is in this whole cloud of uncertainty. Well, he can be found pretty much where I am. There are days when he says, "I just don't know how we'd do another one." and then there are plenty of moments where I knooooooooooooooow he would love another one---especially if he could have a girl. Yikes.

So I'm just throwing this all out there into Blogland. Truly, it's the #1 thing on my mind and heart, and I kinda wish it weren't so. Pray for us. As we try to discern the Lord's will in our lives and not confuse it with our own.

And whatever you do, don't come around and tell me one way or the other how fabulous your life is because you stopped at 2, 3, 4 or so on. I'll only get envious and picture my life as yours and wish that somehow, I would have gotten pregnant with a 3rd awhile ago unplanned so that I wasn't in this situation right now thinking about it. I have a love hate relationship with planning and right now, it's kinda making me hate it. :) I know some of God's greatest blessings come in the form of a surprise and so maybe I wish all this would play out in a surprise. But if you know me at all, you know I'd find some way to prevent that from happening. Because my life is always on a need-to-know basis. I'm nosy that way.

Gotta go tend to my 2 "planned" blessings. Enjoy your day---whatever phase of life you happen to be in, whether mind or body...today.