Fears

It is almost midnight and I am taking refuge in the normalcy of my computer, light, and my Bible. It isn't often that I am up this late or if I am, to be on the computer. But you see, I have this fear. A silly one. A REALLY silly one. So silly that you'd think I could stomp it out but so far, I haven't been able to.

The stomach bug is floating around our house. I'm afraid of the stomach bug. I wish I could tell you why, or when this started, or what rational reasons there are for being afraid, but I can't. I will tell you that I didn't use to be afraid. I have many horrific memories of people throwing up in loud and violent ways around me from the time I was a child. But the degree to which I am now afraid goes way beyond that. And just to clear it up, it isn't "the throw-up". Nope, that part doesn't get me. Which is good considering God blessed me with 2 VERY gaggy kids and therefore I deal with some amount of throwup weekly. This fear definitely deals with the virus. Anything that sneaks up and causes one to go through such trauma, so quickly, so unexpectedly, is pretty much feared in my book. Add to that the waiting game involved with if and when it will approach the next member of our family.

So here I am. Trying to get sleepy. Trying to find peace. And let me tell you that a large part of this fear magnifies and even finds its footing in the dark. Meaning, I can be fine with this virus during the day. But when anyone wakes up in my house (including myself) in the middle of the night, it freaks me out. Darkness plays mind games with me and it sucks. I've thought a lot about this lately as I've pondered how much it means to me to see light starting to dawn outside. I remind myself that even the darkness is light to God. In Him there is no darkness. So instead of laying in my bed going crazy, I decided to come downstairs and catch up on some of my Chambers "Utmost". Lo and behold, Psalm 46 pops up and I'm grateful. For the 9.5 out of 10 (don't lie) of you that don't know that off the top of your head, I'll quote a few verses:

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."

My first thought was joy and relief at the reaffirmation of God's protection and strength. Then I agreed with how ridiculous it was that I was worried about a virus. NOT earth quakes, mountains falling, or roaring seas, people. A virus. I mean, really? Despite that, the fear is there---it doesn't need legitimacy to stick around. And really, if God can handle all of our fears, then size is irrelevant. I just wish God would delete my fear. Remove it from my being forever. And I know He can do that because he has done it before. But there has to be some meaning in all of it. If I was really honest and told you just how ridiculous I act when I'm letting this fear get the best of me you would be FLOORED. For real. Pretty much panic attack sums it up. I'm sure Brian wants to beat me upside the head but he is wise and knows he is better off supporting me and playing the whole thing down. However, it has me on my knees more than usual and obviously has my eyes in the Word tonight when they otherwise wouldn't be. So if you happen to be reading this over the next 8 hours or so, please offer up a prayer for me and my family. I know we have no more right to be healthy than anyone else. In fact, I know of a family who lost their sweet young daughter/mom/wife just yesterday. My prayers about not throwing up seem pitiful as opposed to prayers about keeping one of His Creation here on earth a little longer.

No further direction for this post. I just wanted to throw this out there. Maybe you wrestle with silly fears yourself. Maybe you wrestle with not so silly fears. Either way I leave us with this:

"The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."