Me, that is. Ha, I'm sure some of you thought that I might have tricked you and been pregnant for months without telling because you would have NO IDEA since you live in TX or CA (most of you readers) and announcing the actual sex here would have been brilliant yet cruel all at the same time...............BREATHE.............but no, I'm not. And I wouldn't couldn't do that anyway. So no worries.
However! The topic begs for some elaboration because it simply is on. my. mind. all. the. time. Not really having a girl, or a baby, or nursing, or burping, or giving medicine to, or pacing around with, or changing one's diaper. But simply the idea of what phase of life am I in, really anyway??? This post could be completely serious or completely comical and I'm not sure which direction to go in.........so I take a little of dis and a little of dat and here I go.
I have a split personality. I do. One minute I can be found pouring over blogs that discuss details of cloth diapers, slings, nursing, and organic everything. The next minute I am fantasizing about the next vacation we'll take and how the boys will do awesome and the world of opportunities that is quickly opening up to our family of 4 everyday as the boys (and us) gain more independence. Schoolwork, organized sports, volunteering here and there, even a possible part time job serving somewhere all sound so appealing. Ideas of road trips long and short, train rides, water parks, mission trips etc etc flash all around the tips of my brain.
Then I see a woman with 4, 5, 6, 7+ children and I'm envious. I want that. I want to be that mom (only if her kids are angels). I want to be so organized that I could totally do that. I want to be so well rounded that I can be nursing and hosting parties, team mom and toilet training, traveling and spoon feeding, all at the same time. But what I want to be and what I am (or think I am) are quickly running in opposite directions. And then there is the whole ethical side of my dilemma. I'm in no way making a universal statement here, but something I (April Beth Spicer) struggle with is if there is a moral obligation to have more kids because I can, I was created to do so, and we've been given all the worldly means to further grow our family in faith and love.
Why can't I be one of the billion people out there that just "knows" when they are done? Why do I have to think about everything sooooooooooo deeply and consider all the possibilities to the ends of the earth? Why? I can honestly say there isn't a friend around me that is in this predicament (unless you've been holding out on me). They either want more children, or are happy to be done (or are done because of medical reasons). They are not a pathetic wishy washy person such as I.
I pray. I do. I pray. I want God to either remove desire for another little baby (which there are days when I think He is doing so) or remove all my fears that exist about having another one.
You might wonder where Brian is in this whole cloud of uncertainty. Well, he can be found pretty much where I am. There are days when he says, "I just don't know how we'd do another one." and then there are plenty of moments where I knooooooooooooooow he would love another one---especially if he could have a girl. Yikes.
So I'm just throwing this all out there into Blogland. Truly, it's the #1 thing on my mind and heart, and I kinda wish it weren't so. Pray for us. As we try to discern the Lord's will in our lives and not confuse it with our own.
And whatever you do, don't come around and tell me one way or the other how fabulous your life is because you stopped at 2, 3, 4 or so on. I'll only get envious and picture my life as yours and wish that somehow, I would have gotten pregnant with a 3rd awhile ago unplanned so that I wasn't in this situation right now thinking about it. I have a love hate relationship with planning and right now, it's kinda making me hate it. :) I know some of God's greatest blessings come in the form of a surprise and so maybe I wish all this would play out in a surprise. But if you know me at all, you know I'd find some way to prevent that from happening. Because my life is always on a need-to-know basis. I'm nosy that way.
Gotta go tend to my 2 "planned" blessings. Enjoy your day---whatever phase of life you happen to be in, whether mind or body...today.
Friday, June 05, 2009
It's a Girl!!!
Posted by April Spicer at 6/05/2009 11:00:00 AM
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6 comments:
I have no words of wisdom...but I will for sure be praying for yall.
I wish I could offer some grand helpful statement, but Dave and I kind of stumble into most of our decisions and then just deal with it - especially when we're talking kids :).
However, I do know what it can be like to have something on your mind that you just can't shake and frankly the only think I've found that works is owning the crazy and researching whatever it is like nuts and praying all the while that God will make my path clear. But, that's just me :)
I have no words of wisodom, but I will be praying. There are days that I sooo want a baby around here as the kids get bigger (I love the baby stage) and then I have the days where everything is crazy and I think man I could never handle another kid. But, Jarrod just keeps reminding me that it's not in my hands. (I think it is, but I guess what he means is if we decided to have another one and God didn't want us to we could try and try and try. I don't know if I'm done, but I think if I was I would feel more complete. I love my 4 kids and I would love more if we had them and it would work out. I truly believe that if you were done, there would be no doubt in your mind. I think you'd get some sort of sign. So, I'll pray for that.
Hi April. I found your blog shortly after Cindy's party, but I'm always too lazy to comment or just don't have anything profound to say. However, I couldn't resist today. I absolutely, totally, completly can relate to you on this one. I can't even put my thoughts into one little paragraph here and make any sense. But let me tell you that I could talk till I'm blue in the face about the more kids vs. no more kids thing and I'd still have no more answers than before. Just know that you aren't the only one feeling this way! We can talk more about it sometime if you want. Good to see you this week!
April, I've had that great debate. I still debate. We had the girls (first a surprise, second "planned" ... but really neither a surprise to God and both planned by Him) and then we were done, and then we wouldn't be and try to be planned and then a long pause and much prayer that God would remove the desire to have more if that wasn't His plan and then millions of opinions and then the trial and then God spoke to me about it. Very clearly ... almost 3 years ago. A promise of another child. And, in His perfect time, that child is now being carefully knit. And funny thing is, I have no anxiety whatsoever about the 7 years it's been since we had a baby because I know the he is coming at just the right time in God's plan.
I know it's hard, but give it to Him. Stop thinking, overthinking and analyzing. God knows that plan. Give it to Him and don't pick it up again and you will know with complete certainty in His time.
Love you!
Thank you---each of you for your prayers and slices of wisdom. They mean so much to me. Ashley---I love what you said. I agree with it. And I can be found thinking your thoughts often. Beth---you know we have some coffee talk coming up. I can't wait to chat more about this. Debra---thank you. I love your last sentence or so. I want to not pick it up again--so pray I can do that. And I absolutely want to know with complete certainty---what a gift that would be.
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