Uncertainty

So lately I've been feeling a dull numbing feeling --that comes and goes. Tonight as I was out walking, I finally pinpointed what it was. Uncertainty. There are times in my life (and I'm sure you all feel this way) where everything makes sense to you. You are going about life exactly how you want to, you feel sure about mainly everything, and you feel secure in where you are and where you are going.
To complement that feeling, there are times when things are quite the opposite. Now is one of those times. And it's so odd because it kind of just happens out of nowhere, don't you think? I mean, sure, it can be caused by some particular event. But many times we just find ourselves in the middle of this odd void, wondering how we got there. Here are a few areas in which I have uncertainty:
--Where to live (our house sold in 1 day and we have yet to find a home. We put an offer down but it looks like they are rejecting it).
--My professional future (no elaboration necessary)
--Events going on in my family that are heavy on my heart and seem far from resolution
--The future of our church in relation to our lead pastor/teacher search
--My own personal faith development

By the way, I sit here writing this while listening to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack. If you haven't heard it---you need to. It only proves my theory further that life without music would be virtually void of emotion. Just try to watch a common street scene (or better yet, an airport lobby) with no music. Then put on your headphones and suddenly everyone becomes a little softer, and you find emotion in little things where you saw nothing before.
Anyway, my point in mentioning this music was that it helps me write. It helps me get out all those weird feelings you have and actually put them into words. Not to mention it makes me think even more critically (which I don't need) and analyze everything under the sun. Ugh, I digress. :)

Okay, back to the oh so pleasant feeling of uncertainty. There is hope, however in this. Our creative Father above knew that if we could find certainty on our own accord we would not need Him or care to examine Him further. So while I feel this yucky feeling right now, I also feel an abundant peace about knowing that He is holding me close and knows what is around the corner, even when I don't. I truly don't know where my head would be if I didn't have this assurance.

Did Jesus know that I would be this much of a mess? Did he know that I would be selfish and discontent? Did he know I would be judgemental and ashamed all at the same time? Did he know that we could all be so fickle at times with our faith? Yes, he did. But he still chose to sacrifice everything for us so that we could have the assurance IN HIM when there was nothing else. I suppose it's kind of like being a parent. Of course you know your child is going to screw up on down the road somewhere. But that's not what you are focused on today! You are focused on loving them every bit you can and shaping and molding them into the person God wants them to be. But unlike God, we parents fail---over and over again. What an awesome thing to know that we have a Father that NEVER FAILS. He never makes a mistake. He never loses his temper, he never doubts us, we never surprise him, he never gives us bad advice...ever. The world has nothing to offer that can even come close to that. So why is it so easy to lose sight of that?

Well, I ask again for your prayers. For all the above mentioned but mostly that Brian and I both will come to know our Father God in a more intimate way than ever before through this uncertainty. I know there will be a time, probably soon, where I will be back in the land of security. But I don't want that to change how I depend on God. He's a friend unlike any other.

The party was a success!!

Well, Brian's 30th surprise party turned out perfect and I think everyone had a lot of fun. I had it at a Mexican restaurant called Guadalupes. We would NEVER normally go to this place. No particular reason, it just isn't in our circle of restaurants. So there is no way I would ever be able to convince him why would be going there on his birthday of all days. So I chickened out and blindfolded him. But our first stop was Su Vino---a local winery. I figured I'd throw him off the trail by taking him somewhere first for a drink. Brian has a strong interest in wine and had never been to this place. Lo and behold, guess who is there when we walk in?? Some of the party attendees, Garry and Teal Kyle. My body froze for a minute. But then I realized that this was no big deal and shouldn't reveal anything to Brian. It was just a crazy coincidence, right??? Anyway, we had a lovely time for about 45 minutes at this winery tasting and chatting. Garry and Teal left to "go catch a movie". On goes the blindfold again, and we head off to Guadalupes. I lead Brian into the restaurant and this waitress greets us immediately and shouts, "Welcome to Guadalupes!!!". I cringe. I know at this point, Brian is thinking, "what in the world??" So off goes the blindfold and everyone screams "SURPRISE!"
Despite Brian knowing something was going on, I really think he was surprised as to the detail I went to and the wide variety of people who were there. We all had a great time and I was so happy to spoil my honey on his 30th. Fortunately, I've got atleast another 10 years till I have to throw another one of these, right??????

The happy couple.........getting older. :)  

The boys.......Ben, Tim, Jeff, Ray, and Paul. 

Teal, Garry, Jenny and Cindy 

The Ridgells 

My sis, Kimmy, Steph, Shea, Amber, Emily, Tim and baby Anna (Ridgell) 

The Conways and Caves 

Happy 30th Birthday to Brian

Today is my hubbie's 30th birthday. Wow, that's a BIG birthday isn't it? I have come to understand that everyone ---whether your older or younger, thinks 30 is a big deal. You are officially crossing over from your teens/twenties to a decade where you are simply waiting for middle age to hit. :) Brian is out playing golf at the exclusive Vaquero golf course this morning. Then later tonight I have some secrets in store for him. Can't go into detail just in case he checks this today---which I could almost guarantee he won't. I'll definitely post some pictures in the near future though.
So I realize I skipped a month in updating my blog. I really do feel bad about it because people start to think that it isn't worth looking at anymore. I frankly do not read any blog/space that isn't updated regularly. I apologize and ask that you not give up on me!
With the web, we now have opportunities to extend our prayer circle much further than our church small group. With that in mind, I'd like to ask your prayers for my family (extended). There are some hard things to be worked through and a lot of pain to heal from. Please pray for God's grace, love, and mercy to be poured out on our family in sizeable quantities. I appreciate this so much. Maybe someday I can disclose more, but for now, that's it.
I became an aunt for the 7th time this week. Jeremiah Tucker Mulree was born weighing a whopping 9lbs 11oz....booting Noah out of the biggest baby reign. I am so excited about this little boy---more so than usual and I'm not sure why. The last nephew that was born was Payton---and he turns 4 years old tomorrow! But I just LOVE babies and find myself being very drawn to Jeremiah. I think Noah and I are going to make a visit later this summer to spend some time with him (he's in CA). My other two sisters are done having children and it makes me sad. It widens the age gap between us. I obviously just started having kids and there is this funny need to have everyone around you having kids as well. But to know that my sisters are done, and that Kristy is possibly done now, makes me sad. There is a sense of everyone moving on and "closing" that chapter of their life and looking towards getting their kids all grown up and in school so that they can have more flexibility and freedom again. Which don't get me wrong, makes perfect sense. But I always seem to be closest to people who are one life stage ahead of me....and a few that are one stage behind me. I suppose my astounding maturity puts me in this place. ha ha ha. just kidding.
Well, I better get going and start making last minute preparations for tonight. If you know Brian and didn't realize it was his 30th today, send him an email or give him a call. He would appreciate it so much. Until next time..............

Happy Easter!

Good morning! I hope that Easter was enjoyed by all. While Brian, Noah and I had no specific plans with family, it was quite a relaxing wonderful day. Church was exceptional today---lots of energy, smiles and love. Then I came home and fixed us a non traditional to us/traditional to some meal of BBQ beef, sweet potatoes, and corn on the cob. It was quite yummy. And Noah enjoyed his very own cob for the first time. He devoured it! We slept a lot, played outside in the 95 degree weather with sprinklers, and slept some more. It was pretty awesome. Here's a clip of Noah in his Easter garb. He actually didn't wear this on Easter. His father would not have that. He wore a cute very BOY outfit for church. But this outfit I thought was adorable and so I had to get it. Come on, it has an alligator on it!! What girl wears an alligator??? But for some reason some have said he looks feminine. Yes, he has curls, so what. Anyway, I'll stop acting defensive. :)

So Easter has come to mean much more to lately than in my growing up years. I actually got a great Easter book from Target this year for Noah. It talks about how Easter eggs, new dresses, sparkling shoes, and the Easter bunny are all good, fun things. But that the REAL reason for Easter is of course, Jesus--the fact that he died for our sins, and God raised him from the dead three days later. Or as my friend's little girl says it "Jesus has no more owies!". I thought that was adorable. If you grew up in the church, then what I just said is a no brainer. But I have to say that Easter bunnies, candy and dresses are what occupied most of my upbringing. There was never a big emphasis put on the real meaning for Easter. I think it's a shame. Between Christmas and Easter, we have 2 huge opportunities as Christians to use holidays that our culture actually celebrates to be bolder than ever about the faith we profess. And frankly, the fact that Jesus did not stay in that grave, is the reason I can be confident in my faith and eternal salvation. Jesus is alive today and I am free because of it. What a wonderful thing to celebrate! Noah has learned to say "eggs" over the past few days as I was prepping him for his Easter basket. He associates the word Easter with eggs. Yesterday I kept saying "Easter is about Jesus!" Noah would say "Eggs!" I would say, "No, Jesus." Noah would again say, "Eggs!" It was actually pretty funny. But it made me realize that whatever is impressed upon him more, is what he'll remember. Raising Noah up in the Lord is something that will take a lot of work and prayer. But I know God wants him to be his child more than I ever could. So that is pretty reassuring.

Hey, before I get too carried away with Easter, I thought I should write a short update about my days off lately. I am LOVING my days off now. Not only do I love having a pretty open schedule, but I truly have not focused on "getting things done" on my days off. I really just do fun things with Noah, or maybe run an errand or two. But mostly just let the day take us where it wants. I bought a couple books from Mardels that have various activity ideas, so that is good. But going on walks, baking cookies, and doing puzzles have managed to be very fulfilling. So thank you to those of you have said a prayer here and there or offered an encouraging word. We both appreciate it.