Is my life really this good?

Something has been occurring to me lately: My life is awesome. I mean, really it is. I often can't believe how happy I am. I don't know why it surprises me, I've always been a generally happy person. And it's not that I think life is supposed to be miserable. But really, do I just seem to have it a lot better than everyone else?? Brian and I are a fantastic match. We love eachother and have a blast together. We rarely fight, and seem to enjoy the exact same simple things in life. My son Noah is oh so adorable and I can't stop kissing him. He truly is the joy that meets me every morning. Then there is my job----a wonderful blessing that never ceases to amaze me. I work for the Let's Start Talking Ministry. If you aren't familiar, check us out. This year we sent over 500 people out all over the world on short term mission projects. We help people practice their conversational English while reading the Gospel of Luke with them. What an amazing opportunity. We end up creating a friendship as well as introducing people to Jesus. I got to take Noah this summer to Croatia (check out my other blog on that). I have wonderful friends and family, incredible neighbors, and a beloved church body that is closer than ever.

Soooooooo, am I missing something? I mean, do you ever get scared when things are going so well because you think something bad must be around the corner? I used to really think that way. Maybe I even felt like God gave us the good times to build us up for the bad. I'm not sure I believe that anymore, but it sure makes me wonder when I feel so good and yet there is so much hurting and crisis all around me.

I recently heard a friend say, "We're really starting to become cynics. It's just crisis after crisis after crisis. I'm done with the character building, God!" Now that may seem odd to you, but this person actually had every right to think this way. As Christians, we assume, for better or for worse, that when something bad is going on that we are supposed to look for the lesson in it. That we are supposed to become better people because of it. And often times, it works out that way. But is there a time when absolutely nothing good can be found? When even years later, it still seems as bad as when it happened? I'm not sure I've answered those questions yet.

I've had 2 "deepest, darkest" pits in my life. One of those happened during the first 5 months of my son's life. That was a loooooong pit. The other one really only lasted a couple days. But for those 5 months, I could not find any benefit. I had no consolation for my severe depression and I knew God was not able to use me during that time. I wanted so badly to find "the reason" it was happening. Not the physical definition of why it was happening----I knew that already. But the spiritual reason. I figured there had to be one and yet NOTHING spoke to me. Day in and day out I cried out to God. I wanted so badly to understand; to see His thoughts. But nothing came. In fact, sometimes I didn't even feel a connection with God. It was a like a great chasm was between us. I couldn't feel His grip. That was the worst.

But lo and behold, a reason has come. Sure, I can now find reason to scream at Tom Cruise when he tries to tell the world that anti-depressants are bunk and that they don't help anyone. But that's not the "spiritual" reason is it? This last week at church, we did something new. During worship time, they asked people to fill out written prayer requests and come place them on the stage up front. Then after a song or two, they asked people to come up and take one of the prayer requests and commit to it. I mosied on up there and grabbed the first one on the end. I walked back to my seat and opened it up. Do you know what it said? It was a woman---one that I never would have thought---that was struggling with depression. Now, this may not seem miraculous to you. But it is. I would have NEVER known a thing about depression if I had not experienced myself. And I'm not talking about mild post partum depression. I was diagnosed as severly clinically depressed. I would have done my best to minister to that woman, but I could have only done so much. If you have ever struggled with depression, you know that while people have the best intentions, their words and advice simply don't work unless they are speaking with some personal experience. So my 5 months "in the pit" will hopefully help this woman out to some degree. Atleast that is what I'm praying will happen.

Now that was obviously an example of a time when you do find meaning in something terrible that happened. But I know that there are times it doesn't work out that way. And I wish I had the right words for those times. God give me those words. Because with my life going as good as it is, I feel unworthy sometimes to speak to people in crisis. Does anyone else feel that way? If not, what do you do? What do you say?
This is probably a discussion that I could take for an entire week on this blog. But for now, I'll leave it there.