Is my life really this good?

Something has been occurring to me lately: My life is awesome. I mean, really it is. I often can't believe how happy I am. I don't know why it surprises me, I've always been a generally happy person. And it's not that I think life is supposed to be miserable. But really, do I just seem to have it a lot better than everyone else?? Brian and I are a fantastic match. We love eachother and have a blast together. We rarely fight, and seem to enjoy the exact same simple things in life. My son Noah is oh so adorable and I can't stop kissing him. He truly is the joy that meets me every morning. Then there is my job----a wonderful blessing that never ceases to amaze me. I work for the Let's Start Talking Ministry. If you aren't familiar, check us out. This year we sent over 500 people out all over the world on short term mission projects. We help people practice their conversational English while reading the Gospel of Luke with them. What an amazing opportunity. We end up creating a friendship as well as introducing people to Jesus. I got to take Noah this summer to Croatia (check out my other blog on that). I have wonderful friends and family, incredible neighbors, and a beloved church body that is closer than ever.

Soooooooo, am I missing something? I mean, do you ever get scared when things are going so well because you think something bad must be around the corner? I used to really think that way. Maybe I even felt like God gave us the good times to build us up for the bad. I'm not sure I believe that anymore, but it sure makes me wonder when I feel so good and yet there is so much hurting and crisis all around me.

I recently heard a friend say, "We're really starting to become cynics. It's just crisis after crisis after crisis. I'm done with the character building, God!" Now that may seem odd to you, but this person actually had every right to think this way. As Christians, we assume, for better or for worse, that when something bad is going on that we are supposed to look for the lesson in it. That we are supposed to become better people because of it. And often times, it works out that way. But is there a time when absolutely nothing good can be found? When even years later, it still seems as bad as when it happened? I'm not sure I've answered those questions yet.

I've had 2 "deepest, darkest" pits in my life. One of those happened during the first 5 months of my son's life. That was a loooooong pit. The other one really only lasted a couple days. But for those 5 months, I could not find any benefit. I had no consolation for my severe depression and I knew God was not able to use me during that time. I wanted so badly to find "the reason" it was happening. Not the physical definition of why it was happening----I knew that already. But the spiritual reason. I figured there had to be one and yet NOTHING spoke to me. Day in and day out I cried out to God. I wanted so badly to understand; to see His thoughts. But nothing came. In fact, sometimes I didn't even feel a connection with God. It was a like a great chasm was between us. I couldn't feel His grip. That was the worst.

But lo and behold, a reason has come. Sure, I can now find reason to scream at Tom Cruise when he tries to tell the world that anti-depressants are bunk and that they don't help anyone. But that's not the "spiritual" reason is it? This last week at church, we did something new. During worship time, they asked people to fill out written prayer requests and come place them on the stage up front. Then after a song or two, they asked people to come up and take one of the prayer requests and commit to it. I mosied on up there and grabbed the first one on the end. I walked back to my seat and opened it up. Do you know what it said? It was a woman---one that I never would have thought---that was struggling with depression. Now, this may not seem miraculous to you. But it is. I would have NEVER known a thing about depression if I had not experienced myself. And I'm not talking about mild post partum depression. I was diagnosed as severly clinically depressed. I would have done my best to minister to that woman, but I could have only done so much. If you have ever struggled with depression, you know that while people have the best intentions, their words and advice simply don't work unless they are speaking with some personal experience. So my 5 months "in the pit" will hopefully help this woman out to some degree. Atleast that is what I'm praying will happen.

Now that was obviously an example of a time when you do find meaning in something terrible that happened. But I know that there are times it doesn't work out that way. And I wish I had the right words for those times. God give me those words. Because with my life going as good as it is, I feel unworthy sometimes to speak to people in crisis. Does anyone else feel that way? If not, what do you do? What do you say?
This is probably a discussion that I could take for an entire week on this blog. But for now, I'll leave it there.

Go Cubbies! I'd like to think their winning streak has something to do with us gracing their city with our presence. :) We made it back late last night and had a great time. What a cool city!
For those of you who have the chance, GO EAT AT PASANO'S!!

We're walking around downtown Chicago or "Gold Coast" and I see this place called "Pasanos". I told Pete, Heather and Brian that I don't know where, but I heard that place was really good. None of them knew anything about it and probably didn't trust my uneducated opinion either. So later that night we were walking around looking for a dinner location and passed another Pasanos (there are 3 locations in Chicago). After declining a seafood restaurant we thought we'd give Pasanos a shot. It turned out to be the jackpot! Their pizza is to die for and the pastas were amazing too. You gotta try it.

This trip was an interesting one. I'm not sure I've debriefed completely yet. It was great to see our friends Pete and Heather. They are at a different point in their lives. They are currently living with Heather's parents because they have yet to close on their new house. They have a baby due in 5 weeks and a 20 month old that has more energy than all of us combined. Let's just say that "pure relaxation" was not the outcome of this trip. :) Nor was it supposed to be. We wanted to go somewhere new, as well as check in on our friends. And we accomplished those things. But seeing the state of stress and unsettledness our friends are currently in, it made me evaluate where I am as a person, mom, and friend.

I always hoped that when I had Noah, I wouldn't turn into some all or nothin' mom that completely lost her former identity. I've definitely seen that happen to some and I didn't want to go there. I've realized that thank the Lord, I am still very much the same old April, just with a few more notches in my belt, so to speak. :) Noah is absolutely adorable and I'm head over heels for him. But I still love being alone, chatting with friends (about non-kid related topics), listening to music I loved in high school, and dreaming about what I'm going to do in the next 10 to 15 years. For this, I am thankful.

Now that leads ironically to where I am as a mom. We all have these ideas about the kind of parent we want to be--before and after we actually have a child. I'm realizing that while I have general goals for being a parent, so much of it evolves along the way--each and every day. As I figure out a facet of Noah's personality, it gives me an idea. As I learn his new found capability, it teaches me something new to look out for. I'll see something someone else does with their child, and decide I want to do that too. But with these same ideas, come the realization that I no matter what my "plan" is for being a mom, it's going to happen differently than I think. At its most basic form, I learned this when for the first 5 months, Noah screamed his head off and acted angry at the whole world. Never did I think that would happen. But it taught me so much about what I can't control and the stuff I'll never be able to control. God has been teaching me a lot this year about control. For those of us who like to be in control, these are hard lessons to learn!

Lastly, while I'm still focused on my own self-development, as well as growing as a mother, the whole dimension of being a good friend is more prominent than ever. As we are going through these changes and learning all these lessons, we need friends to get us through. I learned this weekend that being a friend isn't always trying to get someone out of a sad/bad mood but instead listening and letting them cry for however long it takes. Being a friend is sharing your feelings/advice but also knowing when to hold back (you don't always have to be right!!). Being a friend is being able to see the future of your friendship regardless of how it may seem at the moment.

Being a friend is setting aside your desires for a grand vacation for a minute and instead realizing the opportunity God has given you to be there for a friend during a difficult time. That was a new lesson for me.

Okay, enough of this sudo-poetic mess. :) Chicago was unique in many many ways and I'll remember it forever.

Chicago...baseball...and Father's Day

Well, my husband Brian and son Noah and I are off to Chicago tomorrow morning. Sadly, the only thing that comes to mind when I think of it is "Your the Inspiration" by the band. The song I used to cry to as I thought about whoever it was I had a crush on at the time. Pathetic. But what a great band.

Anyway, we're going up to visit some friends in the area who used to live here in DFW. Brian is oh so excited since he's a huge Cubbies fan. We'll be attending Friday's game against the St. Louis Cardinals. I can't wait either. My love for baseball waned until last week when I had a rather awesome night with my dad.

I don't know about you, but the thought of getting my dad a gift card to a department store for Father's Day BITES THE BIG ONE! Now, that's not to say I haven't done it. But I really do hate that it has come to this. I can remember how excited I was to show my dad whatever it was I made him when I was in elementary school. Never did I desire to buy him anything. I knew he was going to love whatever I made for him. So over the years, I've longed to give him something that was that meaningful--but in an adult-way. :) So this year I bought him a Texas Rangers hat and designed an invitation that invited him to relive our old pasttime of watching baseball/softball together. Long story short---we went to the Orioles/Rangers game last Friday night and had a ball. First we accomplished a covert operation by going to Albertson's prior to the game and stuffing our pockets with candy since they would make us throw it away if they found it in my purse which they search. However, shortly after arriving to the field, we realized that whoever the heck told us we couldn't bring outside food or drink into the stadium was full of it! There were people all over carrying their coolers inside the ballpark. Oh well, it made for a fun little adventure. Then we pigged out on footlong hotdogs, nachos, candy and soda. It was a father-daughter dream! In fact, I have a picture I'll have to post later of the two of us in our Ranger gear.

So all that was to say that I'm back in love with baseball and excited to cheer on the Cubbies with my hubby. Even though my longtime team is the Braves. We'll forget that for the week though. So I'll let you know how the trip goes. And if any of you have suggestions on sites to see--give me a hollar! Blog at ya later!