Anger

It's in my throat. It's in the way I am squeezing my hands. It's in the way I am biting my teeth together. It forces the tears to develop on the surface of my eyes. It makes me breath fast and hard. It makes my mind swim. It blurs my vision. It makes me call out to my God. It leaves me discouraged, heartbroken and defeated at times. The anger Noah arises in me is not easily tamed. It is not often, but it is not mild. It is pushed down inside of me so that only a fraction comes out so that I may maintain my "cool". So that I can somehow come out on "top". So that I can appear the "adult" in each situation. But I admit it. I am angry. I'm angry that when he knows better, he simply doesn't care. I'm angry that he thinks crying can get him out of a situation (when in all actuality, it gets him in even more trouble). I'm angry that it's the littlest things that escalate into monstrous episodes. I'm angry that he makes me feel this way. And I'm even more angry that it takes awhile to go away.


Continued.......

And then I tell him to go to his room and draw a picture of his bad behavior and a picture of what his attitude should look like. After a short time I heard him playing and figured he had dissed me once again this morning. But to my surprise, this is what I found.....


Needless to say, my anger has dissolved.

Menu Plan Monday 2-23

Good morning folks. I hope there are many of you out there that aren't experiencing temps in the teens as I am. However, at least it is sunny outside which makes the cold more tolerable. This is going to be a GREAT week as I (and Wesley) look forward to an impromptu trip to TX to see my parents. It will be very short but hopefully very joy-filled. Praise God for airplanes, free fares for kids under 2, and a generous husband that is letting me go.
Here's the menu plan for the week. As I mentioned last week, I came up with about a month's worth of meals that I know my family likes and then will throw in one a week or so that are new. This will keep my family happy and my ego protected. :)

-Smoked sausage, green bean, potato bake
-Saucy chicken pasta, spinach salad, bread
-Tostadas, beans, fruit
-Hotdogs, oven fries, veggie
-Fam is on their own while I grub at my parents. :)
-Leftovers
-eat out

P.S. Go to orgjunkie.com to see a bunch of other yummy recipes that people are making this week.

Replacements

Hi guys--April here. I'm chillin' on my new leather couch with reclining chairs. We got a super sweet deal on it at Sam's and it pretty much paves the way for a post I've been meaning to write for weeks. Apparently this year has already been classified as the year for replacements in the Spicer house. Had I known that everything known to man was going to break or die the past couple months I probably would have jumped the gun and bought some of these things earlier. However, my frugal nature usually says to wait until we absolutely need it---to a fault. For example, when there are all those crazy sales on Christmas wrapping and decorations the days after Christmas, I cannot bring myself to buy them (even at their shocking rock bottom prices) because the sheer thought of buying something that I can't put to use for another year kills me. Anyhoo, here is a short list of things we have had to replace lately:

-Coffee pot --the one we registered for 9 years ago and got for our wedding. Went kapootz.
-Tires on the van
-Brakes on the van
-DVD player #1--the one we bought as newlyweds 9 years ago. Went kapootz.
-DVD player #2--we've had it atleast 4 years for the kids to play their dvds on. Went kapootz.
I know, seriously right? What are the chances that both DVD players would break in the SAME week???
-Couch

Oh the couch. So I could talk awhile on this one but any of our friends that have known us at least a couple years know Brian has been dying to dump this thing for a very long time. And I'm not lying, there was never anything really wrong with it. It was the first and only couch we have ever bought. It is khaki in color and has a nice frame to it. Brian thought it was uncomfortable and seemed to mention that anytime we had guests over. I would always roll my eyes and just take a deep breath because I never knew what to say. It wasn't like we were going to replace it. It was in great shape and matched all of our neutral shades. Well, 2 kids, nephews and nieces, and puke after puke later, I finally told him (while cleaning off puke at that moment) that we could use some of our tax refund on a new couch. It was like the heavens opened for him. And truthfully, I was so excited too. So here we are, with our awesome new couch and I'm lovin' it. It was well worth the 9 year wait. Well worth it. Now, the fact that my laptop, digital camera, and pots and pans are on their last leg could easily depress me, but for now, I guess I'll just wait till they breathe their last breath and deal with it then. Apparently most things break within the 5-9 year marks. Who knew? :)

As far as what else is going on around here, just ho humming through the winter. We've had our fair share of lonliness, coldness, pukey illness, and snowiness. So the days where the sun shines and it gets oddly in the 50s are days to relish. But today--after 2 weeks of no snow---it started again. And it was cold---20's all day. Could have been worse, and the snow melted quickly, but still, the false hope of spring stung as I dragged the heavy jackets back out and felt my whole body tense everytime I opened the front door. Brian has been traveling a decent amount which is a lot less fun in the winter than in the summer. There's just less to do and less energy in the winter. I very much look forward to next month.
The kids: Noah is growing as a brother everyday. He and Wes are buds and do everything together. He loves to snuggle and read with Wesley and even tries to dress him sometimes. His analytical mind only grows and the things he wants to converse about range from angels and God to how fast a fire truck would get here if he cut his fingers off. Nice. He is immensely excited for baseball to start in April and I am too. I can't wait to see this little stud finally in a league!
Wesley is hilarious first and foremost. Truly this kid makes me laugh almost all day long. He is irresistably cute and has the best sense of humor. He does his own thing most of the time and just dances around the house singing and being crazy. He also loves to mimic things he hears and his vocab blows me away. One of my favorite traits about him (ha ha) is actually that he gets over ouchies and spankings really quick. This may sound silly, but Brian and I didn't realize that a kid could actually stop crying after a few seconds. Who knew? What a relief! He fell off of a bed, a couch , and a large stuffed bear today and despite the rough day, he was over it in minutes each time. Hallelujah!
I'm loving my Friday morning bible study at church and I'm adding friends to my world. It's nice to finally feel a little more at home in church. We joined a class full of marrieds similar in age and circumstance and that feels all together natural. I know Brian hopes to find some guys he can click with.
Okay, I feel completely boring at the moment because I really have nothing more to say. A miracle I know! Savor this moment, and check back later. :)

Let's Be Honest............

So I believe one of my more recent posts had to do with something about not being on the computer as much and finding my more important reality in my home and family. Well, you are hearing it here first, I have failed the last couple of weeks in that arena. I can't believe how easy it was to turn my back on my goal and become completely engrossed in Facebook lately. Mind you, I am not new to Facebook. I've been a member for a year or two. But it had remained pretty dormant among my "things to do" and I didn't really find it tempting. In fact, I kind of made fun of people that update their status multiple times a day and made it their main form of communication with the outside world. Now, enter the scene a sudden and violent reunion of almost my entire high school class. Many of my friends from high school remained in hiding and I had given up on finding them. And truth be told, I had forgotten about a lot of them. I have a really odd forgetfulness about my life in Albuquerque, NM. I can't remember names, streets, areas, people, almost to an upsetting degree. I lived there for 4 years and so this shouldn't be the case. But let me say it was the more rebellious 4 years of my life and paved the road for my ultimate destination at the feet of Jesus begging him to change my life. So maybe this "forgetfulness" is a gift---who knows. Anyhoo---back to my story, I had some extremely close friends that I have remained separated from and have wondered over the years how they were doing and where their lives took them.....

It seems as though many of these friends all came onto FB at once and it was like a giant collision of long lost friends that were instantly reintroduced. It has been a blast seeing everyone and being pleasantly surprised where everyone is in their life. So needless to say, I have been on FB constantly, checking on everyone, responding to messages, waiting for responses, looking at pictures, reading those talked about "25 random things" lists, and on and on and on. So I come clean to my blogging community about my internet moderation detour. The laptop is back upstairs in the furthest room from me and I hope to keep it shut down for greater lengths of time. I'm not making any big promises though. Baby steps, as my friend Kristen always says. :)

I feel like there are so many things to update everyone on, but the time escapes me right now. I do want to post my menu plan because I haven't done it in over a month and I'm trying to get back on track in the kitchen. Something new I'm going to try is come up with about 20 tried and true recipes that I know my family loves and leave the other 5-8 a month for experiments. This will provide me a more balanced approach to my menu plan and prevent me from becoming disappointed a full 4 nights in a row when my kids hardly touch what I've cooked. So after this week of meals, I'm going to implement this new plan. I'll still be able to post our weekly menu, but over here on my side, I won't be coming up with my menu week to week if that makes sense.
I will write a more personal update tomorrow for those completely uninterested in this food business and more interested in our fabulous excessive lives. :) Right.

1. Tijuana beef with salad and mexican rice
2. Chipotle chicken, sweet potatoes, green beans
3. Red curry chicken, rice and spinach salad
4. Hamburgers, oven fries, veggie
5. Fishsticks, mac n cheese
6. Leftovers
7. Out to dinner

Wordle

I love this new little toy, Wordle. It puts together a “word cloud” based on the words posed in your blog. The more you use a word, the bigger it appears. Good thing I just wrote that "thankful" post. :)

A Quick Thankfulness List

1. I'm thankful for a washer and dryer to do limitless loads of dirty, disgusting laundry.
2. I'm thankful for a healthy husband that is taking care of everyone with a wonderful, witty attitude.
3. I'm thankful for candles, candles and more candles!
4. I'm thankful for more clean clothes to put on every time we get doused with diarrhea or throw-up.
5. I'm thankful for weekends.
6. I'm thankful for a full night where no one woke up.
7. I'm thankful for a sunny day and an expected 50 degree temp.
8. I'm thankful for Wesley's sweet disposition even while completely miserable.
9. I'm thankful for Pedialite and that Wesley is drinking it even if he eats nothing for 4 days.
10. I'm thankful for Noah having a "good" couple days, attitude-wise, in the midst of all this hell.
11. I'm thankful for No Reservations that we got to relax and watch last night after everyone was finally put to bed.
12. I'm thankful for Lysol spray and anti-bacterial gel.
13. I'm thankful for my mommy and daddy that I can call and whine about all this too.

As promised...

I unfortunately didn't get any of the boys because Wesley was sleeping and Noah was over at a neighbor's house. But oh well.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..........

at the end of January. :) No seriously, in the last 30 hours, we've received about 10 inches of snow and it's still falling at a very rapid pace. This is what I expected at Christmas!! But oh wait, I was in sunny California for Christmas, so I suppose I had to be disappointed. It is cold, cold, cold but the snow is incredibly gorgeous. What is so fun about the idea that you can't go anywhere and you have to stay all bundled up inside gazing out all the windows? I'm not sure, but it's kind of magical. Now, remember, this midwest thing is new to me and had I grown up in Michigan my whole life, I'm sure I would not have the above sentiments.

The boys are just tickled with the abundance of snow. Noah doesn't want to stay out in it very long but that could be because we do not have all the proper snow accessories for him. If he felt warmer maybe he'd want to play longer. Who knows. But I declare today to be a definite snowman making day. Ideally while Wesley is napping because the little guy would literally be buried if he tried to walk out there right now. I'm not kidding. I'll take some pictures and try to post them up shortly. Yesterday was a coffee drinking, movie watching, popcorn eating kind of day. I'm feeling the same thing for today. I admit it makes me feel very lazy and unproductive to do that 2 days in a row. But as I laid in bed last night analyzing what being a "stay at home mom" entailed, I decided that this is exactly what it is. Somehow being at peace with the ebb and flow of productivity and laziness, good attitudes and tantrums, empty hampers and piles of laundry, healthy home cooked goodness and boxed mac-n-cheese, nurturing conversations over crafts and turning on Barney for them to veg in front of. So cheers to a lazy day with hopefully some healthy doses of fun, laughter and rest.

Life after January 11

Wow, so January 11 was my last day to be online---woo! That seemed like a LOT longer. Brian was in Spain and therefore I could not use his computer to navigate life while my computer was ill. Yes, the library is only 15 minutes away, but with single digit temps, the thought of hoofin' it over there and bundling the kiddos up just so I can check my email was not attractive in any way. Hence, I had no. internet. whatsoever. How bizarre. I think it is completely different to say you are taking a break from cyberspace by closing your laptop than it is to have the internet completely removed from your grasp. I felt out of touch with a lot of the world and all of its happenings. I had to whip out the yellow and white pages many times to find friends numbers and call offices to make appointments. I was unable to call certain out of state friends because their numbers are on my laptop and nowhere else (mental note: change that). After a few days of initial frenzied behavior on my part, I finally eased into my own home, my own kids, and our life, with no husband, and no Internet. My focus eventually narrowed on all the things around my house that needed cleaned, needed organized, needed replaced, needed attention in some way shape or form. I, April Beth, am not an organized person naturally. Give me money, numbers, or financials and I take back the previous statement. But anything else (most of life) falls victim to my willy nilly way of doing things. As we jumped from house to house over Christmas break in CA, I saw so many things that I admired and felt a little insecure about how my house looked, or the way I run my house. So I came back home with a lot of enthusiasm to change things and update life. A perfect plan considering it's a new year with new possibilities. But I really think it took having no computer to boost me into action. Now let me explain that I don't spend gads of time online each day. But I do spend my free time online: naps, after kids are put to bed at night, sometimes first thing in the morning. And while you can be plenty productive during all those other times, I think having an attachment to life on my computer made me less motivated or ready to focus on my own home and family. Ultimately, you have the internet to make you feel like you are educating yourself, make you feel like you are being productive, make you feel like you are better than others that you read about, make you feel like you are normal, make you feel like everyone is having a lazy day with you, make you feel like there is always tomorrow....etc, etc. and in the end, you never did anything about all the things you read about or superficial motivation you had. Now, if you completely disagree, fine. Write about it on your blog. :) But for me, this rings true and has obviously crippled me from taking a unique kind of ownership over my home and duties as a wife, mother, and "home manager". I believe God had everything to do with this realization. He wants me to be better at what He created me to be than I can do on my own.

So here are some things I did while I was banned from cyberspace. I think it's important to note that some of these things I always do---but it's always with the nagging thought that I could be catching up on blogs, writing a funny blog entry, looking online for new furniture, books, or old friends. So having removed that "could" and knowing I had nothing more to do but these very things, I was much more eager to do them...and do them well.

-Organize the playroom entertainment center. DUST it, remove everything in it, discard old CD holders and leaflets, pull all of Brian's and my DVDs out and make room for the kids' movies and music, and eventually get some toys off of the floor and into baskets that fit nicely into the newly available space in the entertainment center.

-Bought a very cute bench for this open space we have next to our kitchen that is probably for a small dinette table. Soon to come will be a rug and coffee table to go in front of it. It brings some much needed color to our mostly brown/neutral bottom floor.

-Danced at length with the kids and blasted silly music for 80% of the day, each day. (this used to happen all the time and somewhere along the way, it stopped).

-Got Noah's haircut finally and gave Wesley his first haircut. He has this nice fuzz ball on the back of his head that HAD to be cut. After a failed attempt at the salon, I propped him in his highchair, gave him a cookie, and went to work. :) He looks a little more groomed but still a baby for sure. Mission accomplished!

-Had friends over that I have been meaning to have over.

-Unpacked the last box (yes, I said the last box) of books that has been sitting in our room for 6 months in this little corner that is supposed to be my "reading corner" but has yet to materialize as one.

-Put away all Christmas wrapping paraphernalia and get the guest bedroom back to looking like an oasis that I would gladly step into instead of Santa's sleigh that threw up all over the room.

-Vacuum the whole house and pick up all rooms. I will admit, a little disheartening when you vacuum the whole house and within 4 hours, it in no way looks like it. What is it about those lines that makes one feel so good?

-Clean out this one counter top and nook in my kitchen that was the catch all place the last 6 months. Now it has a table top calendar on it with new birthdays, engagements, appointments, date nights, etc on it. How fun!

I still have a lot of work to do, but I'm actually looking forward to most of it. A major change for me. I tend to get overwhelmed with ANY and ALL big (that really aren't so big in reality) tasks that are waiting for me. But now that God has shown me what can be accomplished in roughly a week and half, I'm much more confident going into the coming tasks this winter.

I know this was a long post and sadly, it didn't contain many little things I want to divulge. But those will come eventually. I don't want to fall back into old habits and that will be hard considering my laptop is all nice and healthy again. Hopefully, I can turn my computer OFF (something I never do) and consciously choose not to turn it on until I feel good about taking a break for awhile. I need encouragement, folks! :)

I hope and pray that every one's January has been great and full of the promise we all look forward to with a new year. The inauguration today is yet another reminder of change. And Lord willing, we all have great things to look forward to and be apart of.

Write again soon!

Hope to be online soon!

My computer went kapootz and so I'm waiting on a new battery HOPING that will solve the problem. I should be receiving it in the next few days and praying it brings my laptop to life. So I will not be reachable by email for hopefully a limited time. I might check it at the library if I'm feeling really disconnected. :) Otherwise, you can guarantee I'll be spending most of my time getting my house back in order, organizing things, decorating, and helping the boys adjust back to life without cousins, without West coast time, and without the beach. :( Have a great week ya'll!