Peace

"And now dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. ....Then the God of peace will be with you. " Philippians 4:8,9

I'm in the middle of a Bible study at church called Me, Myself and Lies by Jennifer Rothschild. This study has zeroed in on my #1 struggle....my thoughts. They are my constant companion and mostly consist of judgements, labels, insecurities and lies. And it seems that since I began this study, Satan has been putting extra muscle behind his attacks on my mind. I think he realizes that if God can cause a breakthrough in this area, and restore my thoughts to love, truth, and peace, then he has lost his most valuable tool in my destruction. So before I go on, please if you think of it, pray for me in this struggle. I cannot be too proud or naive to think that asking for prayer in this area wouldn't greatly improve my chances at victory.

One thing I've found myself doing a lot lately is engaging in a frantic list of things I need. I need yoga! I need a massage! I need someone to watch Wesley a few hours a week. I need more dates with Brian. I need more time by myself. Now none of these things are wrong or invalid. In fact, at some level, I really do want them all. But the whole and sum reason behind all of them is to attain a peace that I so strongly desire. It's like I feel my shoulders crunched up to my ears and I'm trying to find anything that will cause me to feel relaxed, whole, and at peace. Last night, in the middle of a meltdown, I started upon this list again...trying to think which items I could attain the fastest and my plan for getting them. And I felt God tell me: I am your peace. Nothing will give you the feeling that you are looking for but Me.

Skip with me ahead to this morning as I settled in to my Bible study. One of the first verses I was told to look up was Philippians 4:8. And I instantly knew God was so right, and I was so wrong. He is always looking out for me and trying to show me what is best for me. Not only does he know how badly I need to rearrange my thought closet, but he even tells me in the end it will give me peace! Peace, peace, how badly I desire you! After I heard God talk to me last night, I even had this vision of me putting up scriptures all over the house to make myself see, remember, and think about His Word. I mean, what else out there is pure, lovely, true, and excellent? Nothing with those characteristics bombards me daily. Nothing. In fact, quite the opposite. So today I begin the proactive task of surrounding myself with His truths and promises so that the God of peace will be with me.

God is not a liar. He wouldn't tell me that fixing my thoughts on truth and love will give me peace if it won't. So I'm believing Him, and taking captive the icky thoughts in my mind. I'll hopefully have stories of victory to share with you as time moves on. :)

In case you wondered.......

my bath was kind of comical. How did yours turn out? After 15 minutes of adjusting my body so that I could be down in the warm water but high enough so that I didn't submerge my magazine, I threw my half soaked pages (no lie) out of the bath and just sat there (I mean, whose idea was it to read a magazine in the tub anyway???). The window was open and all I could hear were the night crickets. Now that was relaxing. I had this little satchel of lavender and rosemary that had been sitting in the tub and it wasn't doing anything. I didn't smell it, it didn't make the water smell, I was kind of perturbed. So in the final seconds of sitting there, I picked it up and crushed it over and over in my hands, rolling it as tightly as I could. Suddenly, as if just awoken, all the smells overpowered me. It was amazing! I just kept sniffing the little bundle as if an addict and letting the herbal properties wash over me. They really do work in case you wondered. :) The hot water alone had made my head a little dizzy---the good kind---and now I felt more relaxed.

After the bath I plopped down in my bed--the very thing I said I don't like to do---and read my magazine while Brian was downstairs absorbed by the Bears game. I could hardly keep my eyes open but I trudged through cuz there were some really interesting articles. All in all, a good exercise in relaxation and that's my tale. Did anyone else out there attempt the bogus idea of reading in the bathtub???

Been there?

We just finished dinner as a family. I mentioned, "I think I'm going to take a bath so I can read a magazine." Noah says, "YOU want to take a BATH?" I said, "I know, I never want to. But I think it might be the only time I can read a magazine quietly." Brian said,"You can read one tonight" insinuating that he will be glued to the Bears game and so obviously I'll have all the time to read a magazine. But I never want to sit there and read a magazine while in the same room with him. I also don't feel like being up in my bedroom when he's downstairs watching TV and the kids are asleep. So, as stated before, I believe the only way I can effectively read a magazine, is to do it while sitting in hot scented water....possibly even sipping on a margarita.....while everyone is awake and doing their own thing without me.

This whole scenario is simply a recurrence of the same desire, different year. I remember so clearly when Noah was about oh, 10 months (all the way up to 20 months) and I would bring a blanket out to our front yard in Flowermound and arrange a bunch of toys on it. I would then set up a chair for myself and then plop Noah down on the blanket. This was all in the name of possibly getting a shred of sun on my skin and you guessed it, reading my magazine. I would no sooner turn over one page and Noah would throw a toy off of the blanket onto the grass and then whine for it. He wasn't big on the tickly feeling of the grass and so crawling on it wouldn't have crossed his mind. So I'd put down my magazine and then stand up to walk over and get the toy. I'd sink back down into the camp chair, open up my magazine and then start over . As you have experienced many times yourself (I'm just going out on a limb here!) the neediness of a child on a blanket is suprisingly constant. Oh sure, I had a couple friends who's babies would lay there comatose for an hour while their mommy could do whatever she pleased. That miracle of a habit never made it to the Spicer household.

Now today, 4.5 years later, it isn't picking up thrown toys. It's answering the constant tidal waves of questions from both of my children. As soon as my answer seems to sink in and the water settles, another even larger/more intense/more pointless/more critical question follows. Today we had a moment of silence at church that lasted, oh I don't know, maybe 2 minutes. I sat there thinking how funny it is that humans (or maybe Americans) have to be instructed to remain silent for it to ever occur. The silence I heard for those 2 minutes was glorious---but completely involuntary if you will. We had to be told to WAIT for the prayer to begin---knowing full well that people (myself included) simply can't stand to be quiet and would never on their own accord decide to sit in silence for 2 minutes. But friends, that is what I CRAVE. That is what makes reading a magazine (Real Simple, if you must know) so fulfilling. The ability for me to sit and look at pictures and read meaningful words and reflect without ever once being interrupted. I save magazines for quiet times when Brian is away, and pedicures. That's pretty much it. And sometimes (read: almost always) I'm too tired when Brian is away to focus and so I put it off. I'm not a pick-up-a-magazine-11 times-before-it-is-finished kind of gal. I like to read them all in one fail swoop or at most, split it in half between two nice reads.

So instead of reading a magazine right this moment, I'm typing about my desire to read a magazine. See how screwed up we are? Ha! It is time folks. I'm heading to get this funny little pillow that will possibly make taking a bath a tiny bit more desirable just so I can sit in my bathroom alone and read my magazine. I know, you are thinking that sounds kind of nice. You are thinking you might just go try this on for size. Well, go, be free, and enjoy your magazine. Let me know how it worked out for you. I'll surely do the same!

What a Day

What a Day I say, what a Day.

His choice of donuts. More toys than you can even picture strewn across several rooms in the house. Teachers at church that love him so much and said Happy Birthday to him. His choice to go wherever he wanted for lunch (Chilis). Playing new games, laughter, friends running everywhere. Cake and more cake!! Golfing with Daddy and Papa. Football in the backyard. Family from near and far calling on the phone to wish him a very happy birthday. Prayers to thank God for this special boy that has grown to be 5 years old. Dirty dishes all over the kitchen that were filled with yummy food. Being parents for the last 5 years to one incredible boy.

We are blessed.

We are blessed.

I Am........

tasting the ranch from lunch an hour ago. Love Buccetos. Hate the aftertaste.

smelling fresh sheets that I just folded.

watching the trees dance in the breeze out my window.

listening to the new Need to Breathe CD. Heavenly.

touching my keyboard and holding a cup of water simultaneously.

feeling excited for Brian to walk through the door from a business trip.

loving my friends....Misty, Carrie, Cindy and Beth to name a few. :)

desiring another baby!

wishing I could make impromptu visits to Texas, California, Colorado, New York and Montana.

thanking my Creator for always knowing what is best for me.

needing to get up and do some cleaning. :)

Groupies

Not really. But we did have a blast at a Need to Breathe concert with our friends Misty and Thad. I have to tell you, people, if you don't listen to them, YOU ARE MISSING OUT!! They are amazing. And in concert, even better! The lead singer's voice is incredible, completely natural and flawless. They jam. We felt young and old all at the same time. Please, if you haven't heard them, go check em' out on ITunes. Their newest CD released today in the stores. But every single one of their CDs have been amazing. Here's some pics of our night out on the town!

Parents

I just said goodbye to my parents about 15 minutes ago. We have spent a week together and they just drove away to take the long journey back to TX. While I'm not a newbie to IN like last summer, their visit still meant so much to me and I find myself feeling a little sad and sentimental. You might remember me talking about these same emotions when my mom finished a visit last fall.
There is just something about being with my parents that lets me take a break and focus on being a daughter instead of just a mom and wife. When they leave, it's like a horn in my face that it's back to the grind of going a million miles a minute (sometimes) and kinda feels sad at first. Suddenly I am the one making every decision, cleaning every mess, and ultimately responsible for everything. A wonderful accompaniment to these roles is to wake up SICK, the very morning they are leaving. My first instinct is to think if I have anyone that can save me and take the boys off my hands for a few hours so I can sleep. I had many people to call in TX that fit that description. I have people that would say yes here too, but I would end up feeling a little guilty. A close friend in Texas, Kristen, was always just a phone call away and she would happily take my kids for me. She has her own wild and woolly kids, but she truly loved having my kids there. I never felt guilty. I trusted her.

Trust is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. That's what so great about having mom and dad here is I trust them 100%. There is just something precious about being with people that you trust 100%. I can be completely transparent and never let my self conscious get the best of me. What a blessing! I think part of trusting is understanding expectations. I trust God is who He says He is and that He is all powerful, loving and good. But I definitely confuse myself about His expectations and tell myself lies based on the world and my earthly father-daughter relationship. Then trust becomes a little harder and more complicated. It was sooooooo good for me to re-read The Shack recently and I'll discuss that in another post. But ultimately I loved gaining back my perspective on who God is and what He does and doesn't expect of me. He simply wants a relationship with His child. And it is the most freeing, trusting, burden-less Father-daughter relationship there could ever be. So now that my parents are headed back to their life in TX, I feel my heavenly Father telling my heart to commit some precious time to Him. I can trust Him. I'm not alone today while I muster up energy to clean, do laundry, and attend to my children. He is here. He is letting me be a daughter even when my most obvious role is a mother today. I just have to practice remembering that!

Wait a minute

I'm kind of freaking out right now. We picked up a toddler bed from our neighbor tonight and Brian got it all set up in Wesley's room (with his crib still there). I methodically reminded Brian how we did with this with Noah.......first we let him look at it and get used to its presence....then we let him take naps in it but still sleep in his crib at night....etc, etc.
I gave Noah a late bath tonight and walk about of the bathroom to find Wesley's door already closed and Brian told me he put him to bed. I said, "Did he ask about the big boy bed at all??"
"He's in the big boy bed" Brian says.
Ummmmmmmm, what?????? "I'm not ready" is all I could keep saying. I didn't even get to look at him! There's no turning back. One night in the big boy bed and he'll never want to sleep in the crib again! And I'm kinda progression-oriented so I can't rationalize putting him in the crib some nights and not others. What just happened???? My baby..........

Rico, Julia, and Pumpkins

Nice title huh? Well, it is a preview of a very diverse post I will write here. There is much to write about and I know you want to hear about Costa Rica but I just don't feel like pouring over the details, so I'll give you a few highlights of the last week.

• Costa Rica was beeeeee-utiful. Weather was perfect---only rained one day. They were on mountain time, so Brian and I were up at 6:15am every morning so our days were nice and long.
  
• We ate lots of good food. Costa Rican food is like authentic mexican food with more flavor. So that's yummy.
  
• There are lizards/iguanas everywhere. Big ones. So we named one of them Rico that we passed every single morning as we left our bungalow.
• We went ziplining and that was a huge highlight. I highly recommend doing it if you every have a chance. It's not scary at all---totally exhilarating. I was just sad cuz I didn't see a sloth zipping next to me.
  
• I got stung by a jellyfish.....within 2 hours of arriving at the hotel. I know, crazy. After spending half my life in the Pacific Ocean, this is the first time that has ever happened. But really, it's not a big deal. I think it's a bigger deal picturing that thing touching your body than the actual pain. And I didn't even see it, so there you go.
  
• My sister is a rockstar for watching my kiddos (and hers). Everyone had a blast and I am as thankful for the time my kids got to spend with them as I am getting to spend time alone with Brian. I would have loved to actually be here in IN to visit with her more (since this was her first time visiting). Kimmy, I love you! You are the best!
  
• Today I went to see Julie & Julia with my friends Cindy and Beth (as well as brunch and shopping). I truly can't remember the last time I shopped for clothes with girlfriends. I am not a shopper and this was much more fun than I ever thought possible. I think it was because we didn't even plan on going---the movie theater lost power and we had to kill time somehow............so TJMaxx reaped the benefits of the power outtage. :) Anyway, the three of us had so much fun browsing and recommending clothes for eachother. My amazing husband let me spend 7 hours away from home today and that was perfect in everyway.
  
• But the true high point was seeing Julie & Julia. Please go see it as soon as you can. It's a perfect movie in many ways. Nothing bad, crude, or inappropriate. The couples in the movie are married which is a WELCOMED change. The food looks amazing and my head flew back many times as I laughed heartily at the film. But truly, at it's core, it's shows two great partnerships and the journey of marriage. It shows how women seek to be defined these days and back in the 50's. And yes, if you know me at all, you know I love cooking, love food, love reading about food, etc. So it's a hard movie not to love. Meryl Streep does a homerun job and I couldn't critique her if I wanted to. I have countless memories of my dad and I watching Julia Childs all growing up on TV. My dad loved to imitate her voice (who doesn't?) but he also loved to see her cook. So did I. I think at the end of the film, it says her Mastering the Art of French Cooking is in it's 57th edition. I presume after this movie gets seen enough, it will be in it's 80th printing before too long. I know I have a sudden itch to learn french cuisine!
• To tie up this random post, I wanted to declare I have 2 itsy bitsy teenie weenie pumpkins growing on my vines. Pumpkin plants grow amazingly fast. The variety I'm planting are small sugar (pie) pumpkins and will be perfect for decoration and cooking. Since they are small, my guess is I don't have to wait near as long for them to mature as you would huge jack-o-lantern ones. Anyhoo, it gets me very excited for the fall, even if that does mean that summer has to end, and cold weather will be ushered in shortly after fall. :(
  

I'll be back soon to post pics of Costa Rica and hopefully start up a more regular blog life once again. Hope everyone out there is healthy and happy!!!

And we're off!

Alrighty folks, I realize I haven't been very studious in blogging lately so it's not like you'll miss me much more on vacation right? Brian and I are about to embark on our 10th anniversary trip to Costa Rica. The kids are being cared for by family and all is well in the world. I'm giving myself a little positive self talk cuz at the moment I'm feeling the whole separation anxiety, guilt, fear junk which is so NOT appropriate. I would really appreciate your prayers that Brian and I have a truly memorable trip with lots of relaxing and growing closer than we have the past 10 years. I really want this to be the best trip we've ever had and 90% of that happens in my head---not circumstances. So join with me in prayer that I can leave my mommy duties alone for a few days and just remember how much I love being an adult=====an adult in paradise! I also appreciate your prayers for the kids that they stay safe and healthy. We're on a bit of an injury spree so it needs to stop the minute I walk out the door. :) Half of Noah's face is purple (not an exaggeration) and Wesley got hit in the head close range with a rock today leaving 3 little gashes in his head. He was tough though and nothing serious, thank goodness.

I hope all is well with those of you that read my blog. I'm not sure what my deal is lately but I seem to have lost my mojo. Hopefully a nice vacation will cure that right up and I'll be back in full effect shortly. See you all soon!