Check Engine Light

That is my engine light. Could be I'm out of gas, could be my air filter is blocked and I need some refreshing, could be my battery is going dead, could be..................but whatever it is, my engine is coming closer to a stand still.

I can't even begin to write what might possibly have caused this "phase" or refer to past phases like it. I have no energy to do that. All I have energy to do is express that I'm wiped out. I feel like a doormat. I feel like I have gone gone gone for almost 2 weeks and now there is little go left in me. I can't even speak coherent responses to my children because my brain is fried. "Uh huh" is about all I can muster. I feel lazy (which is highly impossible), tired, and just blaaaaaaaaaa. I don't feel like "doing" anything. I don't feel like taking care of responsibilities or filling roles. I feel like shutting my eyes and waking up a week or two from now with a new engine and a full tank of gas.

Amidst this phase, regardless how I have felt noted above, I have not been lazy. I have done anything that a normal mom, housewife, wife, friend, and sister would have done. Made phone calls, mailed presents, cleaned out closets, organized things, fed children, cooked, laundry etc. There were occasional glimmers of feeling accomplished but a majority of the time during this phase I have felt like I was simply going through the motions. Grey would be the color to describe my psyche. Each day seems to fly by and seems to repeat itself in a similar manner. I hope it is because my husband has been gone for 7 out of the past 9 days. I say that with full respect for him and his job. It is in no way a knock. He suffers just as much as me when he travels. Anyway, I was saying I hope that is why this phase has set in. I hope with his return tonight, that things will look brighter tomorrow.

I long for the energetic, bright hearted, engine I'm used to....that others are used to. I'm tired of Satan making me feel insecure about everything....that has never been my nature. So feel free to pray for this phase to end soon. Feel free to pray that when I do sleep, it would be good sleep instead of restless sleep. I'm completely aware that this is a phase and will end and that is why I keep referring to it as such. So don't worry, this Eeyore won't be around forever. :)

Word throw-up:

A quick and painless way to clear my mind. And you know I would never use the "v" word in this title. :)

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed just for the moment on all the messages the world sends us---mostly good---definitely cheesy, but difficult to balance and just be free!
Calgon.....take me away!

-Be true to yourself (whatever the crap that means anyway)
-Be in the moment
-Listen twice as much as you speak
-Pause before you respond
-Listen to God's still small voice (which can be EXTREMELY amidst all these other messages)
-Let go and let God
-Don't judge
-Be the change you wish to see
-Think positively
-Take risks
-Get out of the box
-Be green
-Live for today
-Live for tomorrow
-Make the most of every moment
-Take the time to slow down and rest
-Let kids be kids
-Discipline your children
-Have the heart of a child
-Protect your children
-Let your children make mistakes and learn lessons
-Be different
-Read lots of books to learn what everyone else is doing
-Listen to your heart
-Listen to Oprah ;0
-Hold your tongue
-Let it all out
-Believe in yourself
-You are a strong, powerful, beautiful woman
-Recognize your potential
-Be humble
-Think of others more highly than yourself

MostofthetimeIamconfidentinhowIfeelandcanleanonGodnomatterwhatmessagesareoutthere. Todayisadaywheretherearesomanythingstoconsiderasawife,woman,mom,andindividualthatIfeel alittleheavyandweigheddown.IwouldloveadeletebuttonsothatIcanclearmyheadandhearonlyGodandmyself.

Fears

It is almost midnight and I am taking refuge in the normalcy of my computer, light, and my Bible. It isn't often that I am up this late or if I am, to be on the computer. But you see, I have this fear. A silly one. A REALLY silly one. So silly that you'd think I could stomp it out but so far, I haven't been able to.

The stomach bug is floating around our house. I'm afraid of the stomach bug. I wish I could tell you why, or when this started, or what rational reasons there are for being afraid, but I can't. I will tell you that I didn't use to be afraid. I have many horrific memories of people throwing up in loud and violent ways around me from the time I was a child. But the degree to which I am now afraid goes way beyond that. And just to clear it up, it isn't "the throw-up". Nope, that part doesn't get me. Which is good considering God blessed me with 2 VERY gaggy kids and therefore I deal with some amount of throwup weekly. This fear definitely deals with the virus. Anything that sneaks up and causes one to go through such trauma, so quickly, so unexpectedly, is pretty much feared in my book. Add to that the waiting game involved with if and when it will approach the next member of our family.

So here I am. Trying to get sleepy. Trying to find peace. And let me tell you that a large part of this fear magnifies and even finds its footing in the dark. Meaning, I can be fine with this virus during the day. But when anyone wakes up in my house (including myself) in the middle of the night, it freaks me out. Darkness plays mind games with me and it sucks. I've thought a lot about this lately as I've pondered how much it means to me to see light starting to dawn outside. I remind myself that even the darkness is light to God. In Him there is no darkness. So instead of laying in my bed going crazy, I decided to come downstairs and catch up on some of my Chambers "Utmost". Lo and behold, Psalm 46 pops up and I'm grateful. For the 9.5 out of 10 (don't lie) of you that don't know that off the top of your head, I'll quote a few verses:

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."

My first thought was joy and relief at the reaffirmation of God's protection and strength. Then I agreed with how ridiculous it was that I was worried about a virus. NOT earth quakes, mountains falling, or roaring seas, people. A virus. I mean, really? Despite that, the fear is there---it doesn't need legitimacy to stick around. And really, if God can handle all of our fears, then size is irrelevant. I just wish God would delete my fear. Remove it from my being forever. And I know He can do that because he has done it before. But there has to be some meaning in all of it. If I was really honest and told you just how ridiculous I act when I'm letting this fear get the best of me you would be FLOORED. For real. Pretty much panic attack sums it up. I'm sure Brian wants to beat me upside the head but he is wise and knows he is better off supporting me and playing the whole thing down. However, it has me on my knees more than usual and obviously has my eyes in the Word tonight when they otherwise wouldn't be. So if you happen to be reading this over the next 8 hours or so, please offer up a prayer for me and my family. I know we have no more right to be healthy than anyone else. In fact, I know of a family who lost their sweet young daughter/mom/wife just yesterday. My prayers about not throwing up seem pitiful as opposed to prayers about keeping one of His Creation here on earth a little longer.

No further direction for this post. I just wanted to throw this out there. Maybe you wrestle with silly fears yourself. Maybe you wrestle with not so silly fears. Either way I leave us with this:

"The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Some things never change...........

Noah just called me in his room where he was supposed to be resting.




This is what I found:

If you take a close look, that is Valentine's Day candy that Hoosya-Dog (that's the family dog) is eating. Here is a flash back to another time this little Noah did something similar.....

http://noahspicer.blogspot.com/2008/02/happy-valentines-day.html

What can be learned from watching old home videos?

1. man our kids were cute.
2. how fast the time has gone by.
3. I looked so relaxed (although I don't remember really feeling that way).
4. how I miss TX
5. I would give anything to go back in time............
6. Noah has loved Wesley from the moment he laid eyes on him up until this very night.
7. man these boys were cute.
8. it hurts my heart a little to know that time is past and I can't get it back.
9. it makes me want to have another little baby in my arms, marveling at every new stage, and watching my family interact with them........(but only if I forget about all the work involved).
10. what an amazingly lucky girl I am to have these kids, this husband, these homes, these memories, this love.....poured down from heaven above.

Thankful Thursday

I have not been one to post regularly on Thursdays, but today I have so much to be thankful for (not just today, but you know what I mean). Kristen--you inspired me with your post, so here it goes:

1. The boys, a.k.a the little boys. Noah and Wesley have just been adding so much sweetness to my days I can hardly stand it. They are two peas in a pod and they adore eachother. I realize parenting has its ups and downs, but we are in a huge upswing right now and I'm so thankful. We've been enjoying our time at home this winter and I feel so content with being a stay at home mom.

2. Health. God has protected all of our immune systems for a incredibly long stretch and I'm quite convinced that is why I've enjoyed being at home this winter. When there is illness in our house, I am an anxious mess. But so far, no one has been sick this winter and it has allowed all of us to enjoy eachother day in and day out. Yes, the boys take vitamins, and I take vitamins (SuperMom) but I'm not so sure that is the ticket. Either way, being healthy is great and even if we had colds and flu and junk, I would still be thankful that we do not have any major illnesses/conditions in our family.

3. Brian's job. This is why I'm able to stay at home in the first place and I am thankful everyday for the hard work he puts in and the respectable company he works for. He had his annual review today and while I haven't heard all the details, he did say it went really well and he felt good. What a blessing! I often think how horrible it would be to be in his shoes and be responsible for so much, get up so early, travel so far, befriend "not so nice" people, etc. I try not to think that too much because I'm afraid I'll suddenly have to work. :) But, the bottom line is, he is so much better of a person to do what he does than I could ever dream to be. I'm proud of him and I'm so so so thankful.

4. TurboJam. What's that, right? Well, it's these silly exercise DVDs that my neighbor gave to me because she had 2 copies. They sat and sat for months till one day I decided to try them out. I love it! I feel healthier and more energetic and I can do them without ever getting in my car (I usually go to the Y to workout). Wow, that sounded like a total commercial! What a dork I am. We're going to FL in 3 weeks and I hope to have a better bathing suit bod by then. We shall see!

5. My home. It's feeling more home-y to me lately and I've had a lot of good moments this winter in it. Where I sit in the morning for my quiet time, where I read to Wesley in his room, where we play boardgames as a family...I'm thankful for all these spaces. We try to make it clear to Noah how special it is to have a safe, warm home and half the time, I think we're reminding me. I love our home, and I hope any of you outoftowner friends, will come bless me by staying in it!

That's a rap folks. Enjoy your Thursday!

Goals for the New Year!

You see I didn't call them resolutions because that word alone causes almost instant failure. Goals suit me better and with God's help, I will be making some big changes this year. These are things I feel the Holy Spirit and my own conscience have been telling me for a while that I need to work on. So here it goes! And I will admit, that I've already had MANY opportunities (being that it is the 12th day into the new year) to practice these....sometimes it is fun, sometimes I groan. :)

In no particular order:


1) Do not step (or run) away from new experiences.

2) Think of others more highly than myself.

3) Savor and take joy in each day as it really is all I have.

4) Love Brian in new and deeper ways.

5) Make less assumptions.

A few comments about these....
#2 and #5 have to do with my pride and self awareness. LOTS of work to do here, folks.
#1 and #3 target the introvert in me as well as the lazyass butt I can be.
#4 is a simple goal that I want to pursue with passion as I fill the role of "wife" for what will hopefully be decades and decades to come.

So far #1 & #2 are all up in my grill and it's becoming pretty obvious how much I need to work on these. It's also becoming obvious that in no way shape or form can I do this without God. I am NOT that good of a person. I actually like the reaffirmation of these challenges because it shows me that I didn't really come up with this list---the Holy Spirit did.

I would love to hear of any goals you might have set for yourself this year. I have NEVER ever set New Year's goals/resolutions and taken them the least bit seriously, so don't feel like you have to earn your keep here. Even if you just have one thing you'd love to accomplish this year, I wanna hear it. Go on, Kristen, give me your list. :)

Simply Pathetic

Me, that is. I cannot believe I have been so TERRIBLE about blogging the last several months. I won't deny it. That's one thing I can't stand is when blogs I read go MIA for months and then all of a sudden they will post a random post with photos and make no mention of their absence. That makes me think I can only expect to wait weeks/months till their next post! Well, folks, have no fear. I won't do that to you. I know I've been awful and Lord willing, I will quit letting Facebook appease my need-comments-fast weakness and become a devoted blogger again.

So! Where to begin? I don't really feel like diving into a topic I'm excited to write about yet, so instead I'll do a kind of update.

Brian and I celebrated 10 years last month. 10. Wow. That's a lot of years. And I'm not kidding when I say I feel like we were just married. Not in that gushy mushy kind of way. In the I-seriously-just-graduated-from-college-and-all-details-of-our-wedding-are-crystal-clear-like-yesterday kind of way. I've been in this haze lately evaluating life, our life, my life, and where it's headed. Realizing I have been married 10 years makes me think about what we've accomplished in those 10 years and what I can expect from the next 10. For a few weeks I really thought I might be having a mid-life crisis at 31. Is that possible? I just seem to be questioning everything. Almost like a narcissistic 20 yr old that spends her days with her head in the clouds feeling serious about everything. Ever been there? I hope I'm not the only one. That's one of the many things I love about Brian. No matter what planet I'm on, what trend I'm following, what scary opinion I throw at him, what emotional meltdown I'm having (which he often doesn't know about), he remains the same. Other than God, he is the most constant and unwavering thing in my life. He is the same guy I fell in love with. I'm not so sure I'm the same as when he fell in love with me. But he loves me none the less. And he is what keeps me grounded. So I am thrilled to celebrate 10 years with Brian. I'm blessed. And I have a feeling God has many surprises in store for us in the near future. I have faith He's going to do some amazing things in our family.

Alrighty, on to Christmas. We spent Christmas in Texas this year. However, the weather fairies decided to play a cruel joke and take Midwest weather and throw it on the south. SO, we spent Christmas eve and early Christmas morning in Memphis due to a snow storm that hit Dallas. :(
Fortunately, we had our Christmas with the boys days earlier so there was no Santa or stockings that they expected on the "real" Dec. 25th. I think I would have sobbed if that were the case. I would tell you all the pitiful details of our experience with Northwest/Delta but it just isn't worth it. Ok I will endulge you with this little snippet: the cherry on top of our travel experience was once back at home in IN, receiving my suitcase off of the luggage spindle literally ripped open with my stuff hanging out. Not unzipped mind you, ripped. Threads everywhere. Bent up, battered and bruised. And when I took it to the Delta office 15 ft away, the lady (who most certainly had a bad day) ripped my head off and told me that it was my fault for having too bulky of an outside pocket and I shouldn't have packed it the way I did. I sat there tongue-tied and utterly confused at her response to my pathetic looking bag. THAT, my friends, is why Delta is getting a big fat letter from my said amazing husband who happens to be a silver medallion member or whatever the heck they call it. :) Okay, enough of that story.

Our time in TX was good. Seeing family and friends is always awesome. The highlight though, was going to our old church. God is truly in that place because everytime I am there, I want to ball my eyes out and never leave. So many incredible people and families that we have walked through life's hardest times with. The way all different generations of people go running up to my kids and pick them up. The treat we were in for, though, was to see the transformation of a life very near and dear to us. God saved it for us on the one Sunday we'd be there and it was simply amazing. It changed my heart for the entire trip (and beyond). God is so very good. His power never ceases.

This is sadly getting way too long and for fear of you clicking that X in the right hand corner, I will end this. But I have so much to pour out and hopefully will be disciplined enough to do it in the coming days and weeks. Happy New Year to all my friends out there! Stay tuned......

Moving on........

Well, just moments ago, Wesley's crib is out of this house, the bedding back in original packages, and the diaper genie in the garage. We've rearranged his room and while he only has a toddler bed for now, and we're still using the changing table for toy storage, it definitely looks different. Wesley took part in dismantling the crib and even after there was no sign of it left, he walked in his room, sat on his t-bed and said, "Hey, where's my crib???" :) We had a feeling he would eventually catch on.

Yes, many of you might remember my post in August about putting the toddler bed up and you probably assumed the crib was long gone. Well, it wasn't. Wesley much preferred the crib, and well, we just didn't care, so we let the whole thing slide. But today was the day to finally say goodbye. And that crib has been used for 10 years straight, so it really is GONE. It had no ummf left in it, so it's days of slumbering with my children are over.

It felt good to take everything down. I'll admit it. And that's all I'm going to say about it for now. :)

What a great Thanksgiving!

We just said goodbye to the last 2 of our 7 guests here for Thanksgiving. Bri's family came in town for a week and there were 11 of us stuffed into our house. Phew! But it turned out so awesome. I couldn't be more pleased with how things went, the weather, the food, the kids' behavior, etc. God was with all of us and we were all able to really enjoy eachother's company. What a gift. I have not hosted a holiday since Noah was 1. And before that, I never did. So this was only my second time to host a holiday. I loved it! I am always blessed by everyone else's hospitality so it felt good to give back. Now if I could only get my whole family to come up! (13 might be a little over the top) :) Here are a few pics of our time together. I'll post more once I get them from my SIL. I hope you all had a great turkey day and felt a new level of thankfulness this year!